Thursday 22 April 2010

Going On A Troll Hunt: As Narrated By Sir David Attenbourough.

With Trolls becoming an increasingly prominent feature of the blogging landscape I thought it was time to shine a little light on these irritating creatures.  

(As I have found recently that my sense of humour doesn't always cross international boundaries I will now state for the record that this is a satirical post.  I am not discussing actual Trolls, as they don't actually exist. And I am not insulting the loveable green cartoon variety, like Shrek, who again isn't real and therefore wouldn't care if I dissed on Trolls of any variety.  Additionally, I don't know Sir David Attenborough personally, he's not really writing this post, but I do love a man with a whispered British accent, comb-over and a safari suit).

NB.  This post requires that you have installed Sir David Attenborough Version 8.3, to view.  If you are not currently running this program, a free sample of Sir David Attenborough Version 8.3, can be downloaded by touching the elderly man tickling the lemur below.

As night falls the first stirrings can be heard, as the Trolls begin to awaken in their shadowed, odoriferous dens.  The Troll (genus. trollatus malodourous), once only found in the pages of children's fairy tales, can now be found moving from their fictional bridges and caves, to the digital realm.  The Troll is thought to have escaped it's native lands of Faraway, Mordor and Narnia, by hiding in an on-line order for a crate of bananas destined for the international market.  Once ignored due to it's mythical status, the Troll has now been designated feral by the UN, having reached plague proportions on all digital continents.

The Troll is known to have a number of species.  Perhaps the best known of the species, the Ricardo Craniosum, have a very distinctive, although tiny, flaccid phallic protruding from their forehead.  Other common species are the feather coated, Ornothosis Cerebrum, and the vampiric, Guano Loco*.  All species are known to be hideous to behold and have a distinctive smell of immaturity.

Trolls are known to be very flexible creatures.  Zoologists have reported that some species may spend up to 24 hours, with their head up their own arses.  Accordingly, they are also known to suffer from anosmia (no sense of smell), thus believing that their bodily excretions have no offensive odour.  Trolls are known to be afflicted with a number of genetic defects such as Gluteus Oralis, whereby their mouth and anus are joined, thus resulting in frequently disabling incidents of verbal diarrhoea.  Penis Minutis is also prevalent in the genus.

The mating habits of Trolls remain unknown as they are traditionally solitary creatures.  Less than 1% of Trolls are reported to have mates.  Some scientists have hypothesised that Trolls may be hermaphroditic as their reproductive opportunities are severely limited, yet they continue to reproduce.  This lack of new genetic material has been hypothesised as the cause of the Trolls lack of mental development.  Many Trolls are known to suffer from severe cases of repetitive strain injury, often losing the use of a hand by their mid-fifties.  Interestingly this condition appears to affect only one of the Trolls hands.  This condition is known as known as Unilateral Simian Chastisement Syndrome, by the scientific community.

The Troll is a vicious. mindless creature.  All are born without a frontal lobe and severely damaged amygdala.  As such the Troll is unable to be reasoned with.  It is known to be tangential, and use circumlocutions in discussions.  Trolls are unable to link ideas, understand tone, or whole sentences.  Trolls frequently revert to primitive language skills, rarely using words containing more than four letters or one-syllable.  Sadly the limited nature of the Trolls' cognitive abilities result in a severe spelling deficit as evidenced by the frequent use of words like 'cuz' and 'mutha'.

Most Trolls are known to self-name, with their choices reflecting their limited imaginations.  The most common Troll name is 'Anonymous', but variations such as 'Anon' and 'Anony Mouse', have also been recorded.

Trolls are notoriously hard to kill.  Interruption to the food cycle appears to be the most effective method of removal.  Traditionally they are known to feed upon the reactive outrage, fear, and hurt of their prey.  If the food supply dries up, they are however, known to move onto more fertile ground.

Trolls are a fascinating genus.  Their haphazard and primitive mentation can be a source of great humour.  The Troll, although frequently led astray by its single brain cell and grandiose delusions, is a caring soul.  It seeks to better the world by freely giving its opinion on all matters.  The Troll is perseverance personified, and a lack of knowledge is no impediment to it's desire to ensure others are educated and/or chastised, as they feel the case may require.  However, in their presence one can't help but feel pity for these simple creatures.  Their childlike idiocy and inability to understand basic social morays, are impediments to their ever integrating into mainstream society.

The WWF has recently set up a fund for the betterment of the Troll.  Dr Rupert Schmecktenfetzen, head of the Brothers Grimm, Get a Troll a Life Fund, said his hope is that one day all Trolls will get a life and return once more to their traditional homelands in the pages of Fairytale Land...

...and we can all live happily ever after.

Sir Dave :)

* This post is dedicated to the increasing numbers of my fellow bloggers who have had infestations of Trolls.  Whilst most have managed to encourage their Trolls to move on I did find this handy product, which they may find useful for re-infestations.

After requests here are some quick clarifications:

Ricardo Craniosum - aka Dick Head

Ornothosis Cerebrum - aka Bird Brain 

Guano Loco - aka Bat Shit Crazy
Unilateral Simian Chastisement Syndrome - Single Handed Spanking of the Monkey


  1. Troll spray, wouldn't it be nice if it were that easy!

  2. What do you MEAN trolls don't exist? Next you'll be telling me Santa isn't real or the Easter freaking Bunny! Well, that's MY day ruined, thanks so much.

    On a serious note (yes!) I don't allow anonymous comments because I figure that if you have something to say good or bad, you can damn well use a name. There's plenty options to put a name in, even if you don't have a Blogger account. If you have a gripe, don't hide under 'anonymous' like a giant DOUCHEBAG. I ignore anything that comes in from 'anonymous' in fact they're filtered out.

    Because I am the GOD OF MY BLOG damn it. :)

  3. Michele - I know. Maybe they could make huge Troll appropriate fly-swats that you could buy in a $2 Store. I think we could take an idea form the Homer clones episode on 'The Simpson's' and entice them to run over the edge of a cliff, just substitute the doughnut for something big and shiny.

    Veg - I am so sorry to have burst your blissful bubble of ignorance. I was really mistaken and Shrek is real I saw him buying petrol at a 7/11 just last week. I filter my comments to, gets rid of all the damn spam as well. You will always be my Blog God.:)

  4. That post is worthy of publication in the non virtual world. Superb. I am lucky not to have been plagued but others I know in the virtual world have and whilst it is easy to brush the hurtful comments aside and pretend to be a grown up, in truth cyber-bullying is on the rise, leaving real people hurt and upset despite knowing that in reality all that you say of The Troll is entirely true - spineless, creepy geeks, who really should get out more.

    ps totally agree with last post. I cannot abide poorly behaved children in restaurants even if thats in a fast food outlet!

  5. I love love LOVE this post. Brilliant.

  6. Achelois - I haven't had issues yet, just spammers, but I am always shocked by how nasty people can be when they are anonymous. It really is another form of bullying. I've seen some horrible examples of it lately on quite a few blogs.

    With the naughty kids it's sometimes a toss up as to whether I want to smack the kids or their permissive parents more.

    Veronica - thanks. And thanks for stopping by :)

  7. Frogpondsrock - thanks for dropping by. And go team Aussie. First Veronica with he fab recipes and now you. Most of my readers are usually from overseas. Love the frogs, we have tonnes at the moment, must have been some big froggy loving going on a while back.

  8. This is brilliant satire!!!! It made me laugh... I felt like I was reading the transcript from an episode of National Geographic. I had no idea head-up-the-ass was a genuine condition. What would a treatment or cure look like? Maybe that's why I had a troll -- "Kyle" wished "his" own condition got more attention than mine. Jealous!

    "Traditionally they are known to feed upon the reactive outrage, fear, and hurt of their prey. If the food supply dries up, they are however, known to move onto more fertile ground." -- This struck me. I made it clear my troll hurt me and "he" fed on that. You're so wise! Maybe it's best to ignore and move on. No use trying to change someone anyway, right?

    Hahahaha the repetitive strain bit wowed me -- it's just gossip and bullying, but with a keyboard... It must be exhausting.

    Thanks for your support on here and on my blog! I hope you don't have to face any trolls in the near future.

  9. Loveable - glad it made you laugh. Trolls live in a very different reality to ours so you can't reason with them.

    I imagine the only way to cure "Head Up Arse Syndrome" is some form of gigantic shoe horn, though for some I doubt even that would work. :)

  10. ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS POST! Hilarious! I have some trolls under my bridge, so i will take your advice to 'not feed' them and also try out that fab spray! thanks for the smile today!!

  11. Marymac - Glad it gave you a laugh. Time to smoke out some of those trolls and send them packing. And very glad that despite that volcan-ho you had a great time in NYC :)

  12. Anonymous commenters are cowards. And douchebags.

    More importantly --- Shrek was overrated, trolls are real, Troll spray does not work, garlic does not work, though the smell of melting cheese does seem to drive them away. Amazing what you learn camping in the Rockies with panda bears...

  13. Brilliant post!
    I've noticed a few troll colonies posting on note worthy news stories as well. Trolls should be placed on a deserted island with no computers or cell phones.

  14. Brahm - 'melting cheese' I will add that to my survival guide. I agree they are cowards and douchebags! At least have the balls to give your name if you want to be an arse.

  15. Michele - Lady M put up a study the other day that said anonymous commenting is like drinking alcohol. All the decency filters fly out the window. If you disagree with me or don't like my writing I can deal with that. Personal attacks will however be deleted. I do like your island idea. :)

  16. Rusty Hoe, your post especially the latin names tickled me pink...but it was your comment about the $2 store that struck me.

    Is that a joke I didn't get, or do you live someplace where that exists. I know it's completely beside the point, but I am obsessed officially with the idea.

  17. M Hicks - The $2 Store does exist. It sells all sorts of cheap crap supposedly for $2, but $2 items are few and far between.


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