Saturday, 12 September 2009

The Real Girl's Guide to Bob: The Bath

I love a bath. I always have. There is something so soothing about lying in the warm embrace of a big tub of sweet smelling bubble covered water. Feeling that healing warmth slowly seeping into my tired muscles. To close that door and shut out that world of dishes and laundry and "mum" and "honey have you done my shirts". Luxuriating in the warm oils, candles and a glass of wine. Manna from Heaven. Ahhhhhh.....

Then along came Bob. How can something as simple and soothing as a bath become toxic to my body? You know he's Beelzebub's right hand man when he can turn a bath over to the dark side. So now days not only are transfats and processed meats hazardous to my health but also the humble bath. Apparently it's my old nemesis Mr Heat striking yet again at my personal Gotham City (Watched Batman the other night, Christian Bale is so buff! Now there's some first rate eye candy. Mmmmmmm. But I digress. Focus Michelle. It aint that complex!). The heat of the bath can drop your blood pressure so swiftly its like bungee jumping at ground level with all the same free falling, complete lack of control and pants wetting fear as you plummet ever closer to the earth.

Thanks to my stubbornness, or maybe that's stupidity (I do have word finding difficulties at times), I have refused to give up my beloved bath. They have decreased in frequency but they are still a sinful treat I indulge in on occasion, thus giving Bob the proverbial finger.

So this is my simple step-by-step program to having a bath in the age of Bob.
  1. Have no expectations that all this will go to plan.
  2. Accept fact that you may need to go straight from bath to bed even though its only 7pm.
  3. Accept fact you may be wiped out for the whole of tomorrow.
  4. Fill bath with warm water. If hand goes red water is too hot, avoid bath like the plague.
  5. Add oils or bubble bath. The more luxurious the better, as this event does not happen frequently and should be celebrated. I like L'Occitane Lavender and Shea butter bath milks (thanks Honey).
  6. Realise you forgot to put the plug in. Repeat steps 4 and 5 but include plug.
  7. Note a niggling feeling like you have forgotten something. Watch 10 more minutes of TV. Remember you are filling bath. Run like a paniced drunken woman to bathroom.
  8. Turn water off when it gets to desired height. Don't wait for it to get to top of bath and leak out. This leads to swearing and cleaning and then you are too tired for bath. I go for a point somewhere between wrist and mid-forearm in depth.
  9. Grab large bottle of chilled water from fridge and place next to bath.
  10. Look at bottle of water wishing it was a chilled bottle of crisp savignon blanc, with subtle hints of gooseberry, passionfruit and fresh cut grass (say what! wine people are freaks).
  11. Realise the stupidity of even considering combining wine with a bath. Sigh and accept fact that there will be no wine.
  12. Return to kitchen yet again because you forgot the glass. Maybe I should just chug from bottle. No no I haven't sunk to that level yet. Glass it is.
  13. Place soap, face washer and shaver next to the bath. Realise you have a hope in hell of hand-eye coordination in said bath and put shaver back on shelf.
  14. Consider candles for mood purposes.
  15. Realise stupidity of allowing candles around a brain fogged and uncoordinated woman.
  16. Put candles away.
  17. Open windows and door to full and put on fan to ensure cool fresh air at all times.
  18. Grab lap top and place next to bath. Slowly realize that lap top and water is not a good combination and place lap top just near door.
  19. After 10 minutes of swearing work out how to get your favourites list on your computer music thingy to work. Turn volume up loud to mute the outside world, but not so loud that no one can hear you just in case you can't get out of bath.
  20. Sit down to collect self for 5 mins.
  21. Water should now be at the optimal, not really warm and not too cold, temperature.
  22. Hold onto wall, toilet, shower screen or towel rack to ensure you don't go arse up as you step into the bath.
  23. Lay down as flat as possible. Preferable to keep head above water.
  24. Stick legs up wall in elegant pose.
  25. Accept fact that despite best efforts you may only be able to stand 5 mins in actual bath.
  26. Start chugging water.
  27. Attempt token use of soap. Realise it is too much effort and that the bath milk/oil/bubble stuff in the water will dissolve any things that may require soap to remove. Place soap back next to bath.
  28. Accept fact that my husband will stick his head in repeatedly to supposedly check that I am still "ok".
  29. Enjoy 30 minutes of normality.
  30. Realise belatedly that the water is now like ice. Time to get out.
  31. Let out water whilst remaining in bath. Keep legs up wall during this process, and if needed for an additional 5 mins. Ignore fact that you are lying wet in an empty bath with your entire naked pruned body exposed to the world.
  32. Crawl out over side off bath.
  33. Sit on bath mat with head down between knees.
  34. Chug yet more water.
  35. Ignore fact that you are about to burst your bladder thanks to the 2 litres of water you have consumed in last half hour.
  36. Manage to dry and dress self whilst seated on tiles.
  37. Lie on blissfully cool tiles for 10 mins.
  38. Drag yourself to loo as your bladder has now reached critical.
  39. Rejoice in fact you made it to loo in time.
  40. Crawl slowly from loo to bed.
  41. Snuggle down in total blissful exhaustion.
  42. Celebrate the fact that you have just proved you are still a normal and real girl.
  43. Realise in your ever thickening brain fog that this may not in fact have happened and that you will need to check with David tomorrow.
  44. Fall into comatosed sleep.
  45. Wake up next day, realise (double checking with David) that you were in fact a "Real Girl" for 30 mins yesterday. Start day with a little boost of happiness.
See a simple 45 step plan for having a bath in the Age of Bob.

Cheers
Undine aka Michelle :)

13 comments:

  1. LOL yep - been there!

    I like to add epsom salts and sea salts to my bath only to forget to stir them and then sit on sandlike crystals poking into my butt. LOL

    Nice to be female for a little bit of bathtime bliss.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm laughing because I've done the same. Crystal but or no at least you get the bath time bliss. :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. hey michelle! got the link to your blog on 12morepages! this absolutely made my day! hahahah! loved it! i'm "following" you now :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Shannieee glad my insanity gave you a laugh. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi Michelle :)

    Just wanted to say thanks for this post, I wasn't feeling too good yesterday and this really made me laugh.

    x

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi Naomi sorry you were having a bad day but glad I could help a little. Hope things are on the up today. Michelle xx

    ReplyDelete
  7. OH, MY LONG DISTANCE HUG FRIEND,
    I'M LAUGHING AT THIS BLOG BECAUSE IT'S SOOO TRUE!!! YOU HAVE A KNACK FOR EXPLAINING THESE GOD AWFUL EXPERIENCES THAT WE GO THROUGH IN A COMICAL/REALISTIC WAY. SORT OF LIKE MY PICS WITH ACTUAL POTS OVER MY HEAD=)WE MUST HAVE COME UP WITH THESE THINGS AROUND 3AM IN THE MORNING B/C I KNOW THAT'S WHEN I TEND TO "COME UP" WITH SOME INTERESTING IDEAS!!LOL!
    YOU ROCK MICHELLE!! THANKS FOR ALL YOUR SUPPORT THROUGHOUT THE PAST WEEK!! HERE GOES ANOTHER LONG DISTANCE HUG TO YOU FROM DALLAS xoxoxo
    ~POTSY GIRL

    ReplyDelete
  8. That is a perfect description! I haven't even attempted a bath in a long time, but now if I ever decide to I have a handy instruction list :-)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh Michelle, 24 and 31 always make me laugh when I'm in the bath mode! My 42 would be laying in bed in a tank and panties with my ceiling fan going at full blast, that usually cools me off enough that I don't have lingering side effects with bath remorse the follwoing day. Thanks for the giggles!

    ReplyDelete
  10. OMG GOODNESS that is me in a nutshell! I love it! Once I made the fatal mistake of trying to stand up afterwards and cracked my ribs hard on the side of the tub on the way to the floor! Ugh that was quite the scene my poor son was at our home visiting and my hubby was at work. So much for a adult son NOT seeing his mom naked! I am sure that is a site he shall never forget. But I am so grateful he was there to call for help.

    ReplyDelete
  11. question~why didn't we see you in church on Sunday?
    answer~I took a bath/shower

    only this group would understand that no further explanation is needed

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep. Hard to explain to others unless they are also chronically ill xx

      Delete
  12. Bob is not kind, in fact, due to bob I haven't left my bed since the day before yesterday except to go pee and get more water for Bob's meds. After reading this, I think I'm going to say screw Bob and follow in your tracks (I would say footstteps, but god knows I'm crawling) straight to the tub. wish me luck!
    sincerely, a 16 year old girl who hates bob right now

    ReplyDelete

All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx