Serenity Now: Breathing techniques

Stress and illness go hand in hand: stress from the physical toll on our bodies and stress from the constant attacks to our psyches. We've all heard the comments “why don't you just sit down and relax”, “stop stressing”, “if you managed your anxiety better you'd feel better”. Oh thank you, Confucius. Notice how these prophets of bliss run for the hills if you question them as to how you will achieve this blessed state of Nirvana. I love that episode of Seinfeld where George continually attempts to diffuse his stress by screaming “Serenity Now”!!! I think if I screamed that at these well meaning individuals I would feel less stressed. Mostly because I would be peeing myself laughing at the look on their faces!

There is no dispute that stress impacts negatively upon our bodies, even if you are in good health. When you have Bob or his like, the damage goes up exponentially. For example, when you get stressed your heart rate increases. If you are tachycardic, your heart is already going at marathon speed. Add stress and it's like you have the energiser bunny on smack inside your chest, with all the collateral damage that increases in your body. So what can you do? Relaxation wont cure Bob but it will make living with him more bearable, and that's always a good thing. There are many, many different forms of relaxation. Some simple and some complex. Before you head into the world of relaxation there are a few things you should know.

1. There is not a one size fits all solution to relaxation and you may need to try many different types to find the one that's right for you. I have never been able to visualise my light much to the judgemental disappointment of my old yoga instructor. I always felt like I had been caught smoking behind the bike shed in her class. And I find that airy, synthesiser, new-age, whale song, music like fingernails on a chalkboard. Yet I have a girlfriend who swears by both.
2. If you want instantaneous relaxation see an anaesthetist. Just like the Panteen ad says, “It wont happen overnight, but it will happen”. There's no point starting relaxation thinking you'll get instantaneous results. You'll only end up more stressed. All techniques take time to work. For some people it may take 6 weeks or more to get there.
3. Practice is part of the program. Just like riding a bike you need to practise until the technique becomes automatic and unconscious.
4. You need to practice when you're not stressed. If you begin when you're already stressed you are setting yourself up for failure. Practice whilst sitting on the loo, out in the garden, on the couch or lying in bed. I don't recommend doing it whilst sitting at the traffic lights, that's ok for your Kegels, but not for relaxation techniques which require concentration. I like to think of it this way. Would you rather learn CPR in a classroom with a smelly plastic dummy named Jean, or on the side of the road at the site of a multi-car pile up? The latter high stress situation is hardly conducive to learning.
5. If you go in expecting it wont work, guess what? It wont work. You have to be open to the process.
6. Don't beat yourself up if it doesn't work as quickly as you want. Every time I've tried a different technique I end up losing focus within 2 minutes, instead going through my shopping list and working out how I'll get child A to football practice and child B to karate both at the same time. This often happens for weeks before I can finally get into the flow and focus on the technique.

So where to start. One of the easiest places to start is with breathing. It may sound like the punch line to a blonde joke, teaching someone to breathe, but most of us don't actually breath well, even when relaxed. When we get stressed our breathing rate soars, it often becomes rapid and shallow, you can feel like you are suffocating and your chest can hurt. Unchecked, these stress responses feed on themselves: you feel like you are suffocating, you breath quicker, your heart rate increases, your breathing becomes shallower, and so on. By simply slowing and regulating our breathing we can calm down our physiological reactions and in turn calm our emotions. There's nothing complex about this technique. You can do it anywhere, any time, sitting, standing or lying, and you don't need to buy any special appliances or tools.

Breathing

1. Get comfortable.
2. Place both your hands lightly on your diaphragm. (Just below your ribs). This helps to ensure you are breathing correctly. You don't need to do this once the technique is established.
3. Breath through your nose rather than our mouth. If this is difficult stick with your mouth.
4. Take a deep breath at the same time extend your belly, allowing your diaphragm to naturally expand and fully fill your lungs. This may feel awkward in the beginning.
5. As you breath out suck your belly in, pushing your diaphragm up and fully emptying your lungs.
6. Do this a few times until you get used to the sensation. This often feels odd when you begin but it allows for better breathing. Many of us are shallow breathers (suck our stomach and chest in as we breath in) without realising.
7. Once you feel comfortable with this, it's time to start.
8. Take a deep slow breath in, for the count of ten. You may need to start with less, eg count of 5, until you are used to it.
9. Count in your head, 1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6.....7......8.....9....10.
10. To get the count right initially, watch the second hand on a clock or wrist watch.
11. Then breath out slowly for a similar count of 10.
12. When you breathe out try and relax your muscles. In particular, drop you shoulders. When you tense up your shoulders can end up next to your ears.
13. Repeat this process 10 times.

If you've every done yoga or pilates you will have used a similar breathing technique. If you have trouble focusing on this and have access to a Wii Fit the breathing exercise at the start of yoga session are similar and you can visually follow the blue circle around the trainer.

So next time when someone tells you to “relax” or “stop stressing”, you can take a deep relaxing breath and stop yourself from throttling them.

“Serenity Now”!!!!

Michelle :)

The Real Girl's Guide to Bob: The Bath

I love a bath. I always have. There is something so soothing about lying in the warm embrace of a big tub of sweet smelling bubble covered water. Feeling that healing warmth slowly seeping into my tired muscles. To close that door and shut out that world of dishes and laundry and "mum" and "honey have you done my shirts". Luxuriating in the warm oils, candles and a glass of wine. Manna from Heaven. Ahhhhhh.....

Then along came Bob. How can something as simple and soothing as a bath become toxic to my body? You know he's Beelzebub's right hand man when he can turn a bath over to the dark side. So now days not only are transfats and processed meats hazardous to my health but also the humble bath. Apparently it's my old nemesis Mr Heat striking yet again at my personal Gotham City (Watched Batman the other night, Christian Bale is so buff! Now there's some first rate eye candy. Mmmmmmm. But I digress. Focus Michelle. It aint that complex!). The heat of the bath can drop your blood pressure so swiftly its like bungee jumping at ground level with all the same free falling, complete lack of control and pants wetting fear as you plummet ever closer to the earth.

Thanks to my stubbornness, or maybe that's stupidity (I do have word finding difficulties at times), I have refused to give up my beloved bath. They have decreased in frequency but they are still a sinful treat I indulge in on occasion, thus giving Bob the proverbial finger.

So this is my simple step-by-step program to having a bath in the age of Bob.

1. Have no expectations that all this will go to plan.
2. Accept fact that you may need to go straight from bath to bed even though its only 7pm.
3. Accept fact you may be wiped out for the whole of tomorrow.
4. Fill bath with warm water. If hand goes red water is too hot, avoid bath like the plague.
5. Add oils or bubble bath. The more luxurious the better, as this event does not happen frequently and should be celebrated. I like L'Occitane Lavender and Shea butter bath milks (thanks Honey).
6. Realise you forgot to put the plug in. Repeat steps 4 and 5 but include plug.
7. Note a niggling feeling like you have forgotten something. Watch 10 more minutes of TV. Remember you are filling bath. Run like a paniced drunken woman to bathroom.
8. Turn water off when it gets to desired height. Don't wait for it to get to top of bath and leak out. This leads to swearing and cleaning and then you are too tired for bath. I go for a point somewhere between wrist and mid-forearm in depth.
9. Grab large bottle of chilled water from fridge and place next to bath.
10. Look at bottle of water wishing it was a chilled bottle of crisp savignon blanc, with subtle hints of gooseberry, passionfruit and fresh cut grass (say what! wine people are freaks).
11. Realise the stupidity of even considering combining wine with a bath. Sigh and accept fact that there will be no wine.
12. Return to kitchen yet again because you forgot the glass. Maybe I should just chug from bottle. No no I haven't sunk to that level yet. Glass it is.
13. Place soap, face washer and shaver next to the bath. Realise you have a hope in hell of hand-eye coordination in said bath and put shaver back on shelf.
14. Consider candles for mood purposes.
15. Realise stupidity of allowing candles around a brain fogged and uncoordinated woman.
16. Put candles away.
17. Open windows and door to full and put on fan to ensure cool fresh air at all times.
18. Grab lap top and place next to bath. Slowly realize that lap top and water is not a good combination and place lap top just near door.
19. After 10 minutes of swearing work out how to get your favourites list on your computer music thingy to work. Turn volume up loud to mute the outside world, but not so loud that no one can hear you just in case you can't get out of bath.
20. Sit down to collect self for 5 mins.
21. Water should now be at the optimal, not really warm and not too cold, temperature.
22. Hold onto wall, toilet, shower screen or towel rack to ensure you don't go arse up as you step into the bath.
23. Lay down as flat as possible. Preferable to keep head above water.
24. Stick legs up wall in elegant pose.
25. Accept fact that despite best efforts you may only be able to stand 5 mins in actual bath.
26. Start chugging water.
27. Attempt token use of soap. Realise it is too much effort and that the bath milk/oil/bubble stuff in the water will dissolve any things that may require soap to remove. Place soap back next to bath.
28. Accept fact that my husband will stick his head in repeatedly to supposedly check that I am still "ok".
29. Enjoy 30 minutes of normality.
30. Realise belatedly that the water is now like ice. Time to get out.
31. Let out water whilst remaining in bath. Keep legs up wall during this process, and if needed for an additional 5 mins. Ignore fact that you are lying wet in an empty bath with your entire naked pruned body exposed to the world.
32. Crawl out over side off bath.
33. Sit on bath mat with head down between knees.
34. Chug yet more water.
35. Ignore fact that you are about to burst your bladder thanks to the 2 litres of water you have consumed in last half hour.
36. Manage to dry and dress self whilst seated on tiles.
37. Lie on blissfully cool tiles for 10 mins.
38. Drag yourself to loo as your bladder has now reached critical.
39. Rejoice in fact you made it to loo in time.
40. Crawl slowly from loo to bed.
41. Snuggle down in total blissful exhaustion.
42. Celebrate the fact that you have just proved you are still a normal and real girl.
43. Realise in your ever thickening brain fog that this may not in fact have happened and that you will need to check with David tomorrow.
44. Fall into comatosed sleep.
45. Wake up next day, realise (double checking with David) that you were in fact a "Real Girl" for 30 mins yesterday. Start day with a little boost of happiness.

See a simple 45 step plan for having a bath in the Age of Bob.

Cheers
Undine aka Michelle :)