Wednesday 5 August 2009

The Love That Dare Not Speak It's Name.

All people have a passion that that they are too embarrassed to express. A love that they are ashamed to admit for fear of laughter and derision. I too have a love that dare not speak it's name. It's not quite along the same lines as Oscar Wilde's, but I too fear that the villagers will soon be outside my house with pitch forks and torches. Or at the very least my friends and family will be there ready to slap some sense into me and perform some sort of intervention, or exorcism, should I be brave enough to admit my shame.

Ok. Deep breath. Here it is......I'm...I'm...Just say it fast Michelle. For God's sake woman, like the ripping off of a bandaid, it's less painful if done quickly. Here goes. My name....My name....

"My name is Michelle and I am addicted to America's Next Top Model!"

There I've said it. It's out. I hear the gasps, the shock, the groans of horror. People turning away in disgust. Please, please before you turn me into A Current Affair or child services, for my perversion, listen to what I have to say. I know it's wrong but I can't help myself. Let me explain my affliction.

Oh Tyra Tyra Tyra. How can you not love a show that celebrates Tyra Banks and her ongoing quest to become a drag queen? I'll give the girl an A for effort. Or her "fierceness" (pronounced fe-earceness) and combined with her finger clicks dance. She has "fe-earce" eyes, "fe-earce" hands and "fe-earce'" poses. There is nothing like watching her morph from a boring pose to her "fe-earce" pose. 12 series down the track and it still cracks me up. Any one else would be given little pills to help with that problem. And who can forget her meltdown at Tiffany in season 4. An absolute fan favourite on you tube. I love you Tyra!

The judges are fantastic. Mr and Miss J (who has more poise and femininity than half the so called models) and the variety of ex-model judges from Twiggy to Janice "Queen of Nuts" Dickinson. And we can all agree that Nigel is a bit of fine ex-model turned photographer, eye candy. It's hilarious when one of the serious industry professionals comes in to judge. The look on their faces when they are trying to be polite to one of the girls after a shocker of a picture. Or their ability to hold their tongue when Tyra starts her "fe-earce" poses. My personal favourite is the look of horror they try to suppress when they realise one of these wannabes will soon be the face of their product.

How can you not love a show where a blond model wannabe says to the camera "I have to learn not to think so much. That's my problem I over think everything". Ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. These chicks are hilarious. From the downright dumb, to the bitches, the nutters and the trailer trash, there's something for everyone. The makeovers are always worth watching for the complete and utter meltdown's the girls have because they get their hair cut. Hello it's season 12. Every season they cut and dye everyone's hair you can't truly be surprised. Or maybe that's why they fit so well into the brainless model stereotype. None of them seem to realise that they are getting a haircut from a guy who people wait months to see and pay $700 for such a cut. There was even a girl that left the show rather than cut their her. Drama at it's finest. Then there was the girl who didn't agree with $400 shorts and left. Again I say Hello. It's the fashion industry, you are a model wannabe, what do you truly expect? Have you not heard of Prada or Chanel? There have been so many nutters. Who can forget the infamous Jade. Now there's a girl with more than one screw loose. Then there was the girl who admitted a love of blood at her audition. You could imagine waking up in the middle of the night and seeing her just standing at the end of your bed. Scary.

You get suckered into wanting the bitchy girls to get their comeuppances. The ones who sit there and say "I am the prettiest girl here", "I have the best walk" who then get kicked off or lose the weekly challenge they thought they were guaranteed to win. Schadenfreude at it best. Has no one ever given these girls a reality check. I swear that there is a whole group of parents who are afraid to tell their kids the reality of their talent or, in this case, beauty level (see also the auditions for Idol or So You Think You Can Dance if you don't believe me). I do like that Tyra allows in "interesting" models who wouldn't normally be classed as beautiful and "plus-sized" models (though how size 10 is plus-sized I'll never know) who actually have boobs and bums, unlike their skeletal mainstream counterparts. There you go Tyra is providing a public service to show that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and brain volumes. See there is value in the show.

Put a group of immature, narcissistic girls in a house together, add an ultra-conservative religious girl, a lesbian, a party girl and a transsexual and let the television gold begin. I know it's scripted and edited and the girls are probably, hopefully, not as dumb or morally bankrupt as they appear on the show, but I don't care. Who cares that none of the winners have become the next big thing in the modeling industry. Are we really expecting to find a Gisele Bundchen or Cindy Crawford on this show? It's reality TV at it's finest. It's brain dead. It's shocking. It's morally repugnant on a number of levels. It's hilarious and I love it. It's suckered me in. Who wants to watch cortically stimulating TV like the West Wing or Damages when you can watch two stick thin trashy model wannabes nearly get into a scrag fight whilst wearing designer evening wear? It's pure gold!

Maybe this is where my supermodel delusions stem from. Pick me Tyra. Pick me. I may be 36 with a post-two kids body, complete with sagy butt, pancake boobs and stretch marks, but I'm "Fe-earce" too! Finger click, finger click.

Everyone has a secret shameful love, some gem of television programing that we can't admit to adoring. Those of you who love Bold and the Beautiful, or Big Brother, or Test Cricket, or secretly lust after Huey from Huey's Cooking Adventures, you know who you are.

It's time to come clean. Say it loud and say it proud. "My name is (insert own name here) and I am addicted to completely mindless and crap TV".

There don't you feel better now?



  1. I agree and support your incredulity on how anyone can watch this tripe. There are more that we could add to the list, isn't there.

    But at one thing I must protest. You can not in any way shape or form put Test Cricket into the same category. I can understand (sort of) you not liking it and/or finding it boring but lambasting it as mindless, on a level with Top Model - uncalled for and just plain wrong.

    In the immortal words of John McEnroe "You cannot be serious!"

  2. That's why it's my blog dear. I'd rather poke out my eyes with a rusty spoon than watch test cricket, one day cricket. or 20/20 cricket.

  3. Me too, me too!
    Ohhhh, it's soooo evilly good......
    Test Cricket? What the hell is that?

  4. Test Cricket. Where do I start. Boring, crap, worlds worst sport, rather eat broken glass than watch, absolute torture. Cricket is always boring but when they play for 5 days (Test match) and then end up with a draw......this is what they should be using in Guantanamo. Next to Australian Rules Football, here in Oz it is the closet thing to religion most men have. What's worse is my boys love and play it (as does my hubby) which means I have to be supportive and watch it arghhhhh......

  5. Us addicts have to stick together, ya know.

    Actually, I watch it to remember that there are people more mental out there than I. Thank goodness for small miracles.


All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx

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