That's right. For the first 50 callers, not only do you get the fantastic, glamorous and lifechanging Bob, but you will also receive a dozen or more bonus Bobs. Yes that's right. Call now and you will receive not only Bob but also Kev, Bazza, Bruce, Macca and more, all for no extra cost. Just a lifetime of monthly payments of blood, sweat and tears. (Well not sweat in my case but I'm not going to get picky. It ruins the flow, kinda like this explanation. Damn foiled again by my fog addled brain again). Or call now and receive the limited edition "Bob With No Name" plus the bonus mates, all for a single, one off payment of your sanity.
Ok hands up who has Bob and Bob alone in their lives?? Anyone? Anyone? Dust? (sorry, obscure Little Britain reference). Let me count. Ok.......Zero. That's right zero. Well except for that strange guy over there. How'd he get in? We know you are in denial buddy!
Apparently the sick bastard who created Bob thought he needed accessories, or mates, or he'd get lonely. Listen Buddy, does Barbie really need Ken? I think not. Did she really need Dana, Dee Dee or Derek? Actually, does anyone remember Dana, Dee Dee or Derek? (Oh yes, they are real look it up. Or just be sad like me and know way to much about Barbie. Why is it I can't remember my kids names some days but can remember obscure Barbie facts? Bob is one twisted Dude. All I can think of now is Wayland Smithers and his Malibu Stacy fetish. Talk about getting side tracked. Focus Michelle. Focus!). No. Barbie does just fine on her own. She's a high maintenance chick without adding anyone else to the mix. Just like Bob.
My cardiologist calls it clustering. I call it party crashing and it was a crap party to start with. Bob has loads of mates. Everything from RA and IBS to endometriosis to name a but a few. Unfortunately I've been there, done that and got the crappy, shrink in the first wash, non-colour-fast, ruining everything else in the wash, t-shirt. The glamourous IBS being the latest instalment. I like to think of them as the free rubbery and slightly slimy prawn crackers you get when you order any Chinese food. Bob being the soggy, oily, rank lemon chicken, with way too much batter, they deliver to your door when you actually ordered chicken and cashews with spring vegetables. But they left before you checked and it's to late to exchange and they get stroppy on the phone and tell you you ordered the crap they delivered. Besides you know they'll just give you a whole cup full of the "special" suspiciously mucus like, sauce if you complain.
You know, I didn't really need Bob. Just like I don't need a Shamwow or Ped Egg, but somehow I got suckered in. Must have been one of those late nights when there is nothing else on TV so you watch the shopping channel to laugh at the ads. I'm sure I ordered one of those ab pro, flat stomach in 3mins, cardio wonder, that folds flat to conveniently fit under your bed devices, but apparently I ordered Bob in my delirium. Damn it, I am way over the 30 day money back guarantee and I tell you I am NOT SATISFIED! Damn you Danoz Direct and your annoying, poorly acted, but irresistible infomercials.
Maybe I can have a garage sale, or put Bob and his mates on ebay and palm them off to some unsuspecting sucker. You know the ones. The freaks who pay $5,000 for a bagel that looks like Brittany Spears arse, or a piece of used chewing gum that may or may not have been chewed by Paris Hilton, but was found still moist under the table she had just left. If you buy that, you'll buy anything.
Maybe I could just trade them all in for an Aerogarden and grow herbs or flowers or tomatoes, all in the convenience of my own bench top! Or the upside down tomato garden. Or an incredible Flavourwave Oven (Oh Mr T. I am embarrassed for you), or the ......
Oh God I have to stop watching TVSN before it's too Late.
But wait, there's a faux crinkle patent leather tote. OMG, only $699, just 2 left..........
Off to do a cool (and totally sincere) testimonial for Bob's infomercial. Look out for it about 3am just after the apparently life changing, brings families together, remote control caddie, with patented remote spaces, the Caddio.