Sunday, 12 September 2010

Limits

I have a sneaking suspicion I may be one step away from reaching my limit.  I always knew I had one.  I was just cocky enough to believe that mine was a hell of lot bigger than everyone elses.  The Grand Canyon of limits.  But of late it seems more akin to a thimble, than some humongous marvel of the natural world.  Of late the continual blows seem to have reached critical.

I've always been the one who holds it together when everyone else is unravelling.  I've always been realistic and practical.  I have the stifling of emotions down to a fine art.  I don't ask for help.  I don't rely on others.  I don't share my demons.  I sit and hold the hands of others whilst they give free reign to their emotional wildfires.  I pick up the pieces.  I pat the hands.  I make the soothing noises.  I distance myself from reality to give what is needed.  And those that receive my ministrations continue, oblivious that my need is as great as theirs.  A secret I hold tightly to my chest.

But reality is a persistent cow.  All my hard fought battles to be positive and hopeful are being swamped by a relentless tide of dread.  All the negative thoughts I suppress so expertly, are welling up, like fetid water seeping through the rocks beneath my feet.  I feel myself sinking, dissolving, into the murky swirl around my ankles and I don't even know where or how to begin to look for aid.  I sabotage myself, continually refusing permission to even think of succour.

I rally against it.  In vain it would seem.  All those little shadowing voices.  Little bites, ripping at my spirit.  Normally I can beat them back.  But today, today they are goose stepping their way across my being, relentless in their desire to conquer.  I am but the dirt under their boots.  They care not what I feel.  They are as devoid of emotion as insects.  Driven on by an instinctive need to consume.  I fear that today they will take all that I am.  Part of me wonders if submission would bring relief.  Part of me wants to let that seductive darkness surround me.  To lie in it's comforting embrace.  To end the exhaustive war for me.

I want to curl up.  To hide away.  I want to cry out "no more".  The emotions I have long suppressed threaten to rise up and sweep me away.  I fear them as others fear death.  I fear that to let them have voice I will lose the me I have long fought to create.  I fear to unshackle them and reveal the truth.  To expose that the long crafted façade is really a fraud.  A fraud perpetuated not just on others, but also myself. 

My voice cries out "This isn't me.  I am not like this".  But the rising tide of doubt and dark says otherwise.  How do you fight an enemy that comes from within?  Walls can be built but the enemy remains on the other side.  It sits there patient.  Waiting.  It knows it's time will come.  It knows that as hard as I deny it, it still exists.  In my waking nightmares.  It roams the corridors of my mind, seeking escape.  Leaving a trail of wreckage in it's wake.

It has many names; doubt, hopelessness, helplessness, guilt, emptiness.  Once released I know not whether I can ever restrain it again.  To allow it free reign may let forth an endless and destructive torrent.  I fear to lose myself in that moment, swept away forever in the darkness.  To never regain the hard fought illusion of strength.  Today it pounds heavily at the door.  Today the cracks have widened.  Today I fear it may gain admittance. 

I never use the word 'hope'.  It has never been part of my vocabulary.  Hope is a thing for those who cannot bear the harshness of reality.  Hope is bound tightly to it's mate, disappointment.  To allow it entry is to also give admittance to more pain.  Hope is for fools.  But today I find myself envying those who have hope.  Today I want a little piece of that for myself.  Today I want to believe that things could get better.  That my body may finally be healed.  That the wounds to my heart and spirit may someday be less raw.  I don't care if it's delusional.  I only want it for a moment.

Michelle

15 comments:

  1. You describe similarly to what I'd want to say but its all stuck in my head. For fear that if I post it perhaps I would have a breakdown, so I just touch the surface. We are all individuals and wants, needs, expectations and the rest are only normal.

    I want it to. Truthfully - for more than a moment.

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  2. Im so sorry you are going through this. It's so hard when we try to be positive as much as possible and be there forever, but we need the love and support too! *big hugs*

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  3. Oh Michelle, I know, I know. My heart is literally aching for you because I know exactly what you are feeling and you put it in to words so poignantly. I am at a loss for words...i dont know what to say that wouldnt be hypocritical. There have been days, when in agony and exhaustion, i have weakened and those things I push back constantly, constantly, come slithering in, taking advantage of my weakened state. They whisper things to me, seducing me and torturing me at the same time. I have stood grasping that bottle of pills, while they whisper at me...and its scary and beautiful at the same time...but have somehow managed to turn away...stuff it back down, close my ears. Well not completely...God I dont know what to say except, I am here and I KNOW!! and i am praying for you and hoping (yes hoping) with all my heart that you find healing and peace. You are not alone,,,I am sitting here holding your hand, making soothing noises and hoping like heck, i can somehow help you fight off those awful whispers....

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  4. There are always hills and valleys of emotion with this disease, notice how I didn't mention peaks. There are no mountain top experiences with chronic illness, only dealing with it and done dealing with it days. You are an amazing woman, and you will be back on the top of that hill flipping off the memories of the valleys below. Thanks for another heartfelt and personal blog.

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  5. Beautifully written and it appears you once again been reading my mind. You have put into words what I have been feeling. I know exactly what you are going through...hope...I tried it a couple of times and it did not end well. It also breaks my heart that you are feeling like this. What will tomorrow bring?

    Jane

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  6. Michelle - your post makes me worried and sad for you. Having lived with Bob, although the specifics of my expereience have been different, I am familiar with limits, depression and despair. I am sure that blogging in cathartic, but I am begging you to reach out to the people around you - having followed your blog for a while it is clear you have supportive family and friends - to help you though what is clearly a tough time.

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  7. Cut

    Paste

    On my own blog.

    Cause damn woman, I KNOW how you feel but there is no way I could put it as wonderfully and poetically as you just did.

    Sending you all my love.

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  8. Ditt to "Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo's" comment. Just know your blog helps me put one foot in front of the other every day. thank you for your light, your thoughts and your beautiful writing.

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  9. It's hard on darker days. It's easier to push it aside, but sometimes you can't help but face the reality of it all and it is quite overwhelming.

    I had a couple of bad days this week and in my sobbing and crying, not only did I completely exhaust myself but I think I made a hole in my ear drum and now have an infection in my ear!

    I'm glad I had those days now to confront the worst of possibilities mentally and now move on.

    The smile on the surface is only just that if we can't get in touch with what is going on inside every now and again.

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  10. Damn fine writing.

    and Good Luck on the Hope front.

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  11. Oh Michelle, I’m so sorry you feel like this. Chronic illness brings with it a rollercoaster of grief – for the lives we used to lead, our dreams and desires for the future, and our ability to enjoy the present. Not only that, it brings into question our notion of identity – who am I now? How does my health change my relationships with family and friends? If I cannot do what I’ve always done, what am I going to do with my life? Why me? What did I do? These are tough questions to face and a real kick in the guts.

    Please please PLEASE accept Michelle that it’s ok to let it all out. Chronic illness and Bob are absolute shit and these emotions are completely valid and throwing your hands in the air for a little while doesn’t make you a weak person. We have all experienced moments of despair and helplessness and anger at our bodies and you are allowed to feel this too. Trust yourself that you can unburden yourself and give voice to these emotions, that your family/friends/people at lifeline will appreciate the chance to support you, and in the very act of acknowledging how shitty it can be, you can move on and again look to the future in a positive frame of mind.

    PS: I hope this doesn’t come across as preachy, I just know that I feel better when I have a big cry and purge myself of all of those feral negative thoughts. I hate showing that side of me, but have learnt that sometimes it’s the only way.

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  12. Here's the thing, buttercup. Just because you COULD theoretically handle everything by yourself, why the hell SHOULD you? It's ok to have help. It actually takes MORE strength to accept help. And you've got gobs of people waiting to catch you should you stumble. The role of martyr has never, ever worked out well for anyone. It won't work out well for you, either. Use us. Use your family. Use your friends. I know I can't know your individual war, but I'm familiar with this skirmish. Take the help. Remember to laugh. And get plenty of sleep.

    Look at me, I'm like Deepak Chopra over here. (But with a vagina.)

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  13. Hi Michelle,

    So sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. I relate so much to what you are saying - sometimes it feels to me if I let it 'all out' I will just grow larger and overwhelm me.

    Please take care, be extra nice to yourself - you are doing a great job with this terrible illness.

    :)
    Em

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  14. Keeping our thoughts and feelings under wraps is something those of us with chronic illnesses do, add to that a not so great history and hiding becomes an art-form. However, I have learned that no matter how much I hide my emotions, they will eventually come out. It does not erase who I am, nor does it erase my ability to cope with my life or be the person I want to be. It is just another aspect of the person I am. Anyway, all of that just to say that I understand.

    Give yourself a bit of "you" time Michelle, you deserve it!

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  15. Michelle, its' ok to feel what you feel, its' ok to not hold everyone else up all the time, its' ok to say gee i could do with some support too, its' ok not to be happy & lift everyone else up all the time & it certainly is ok to grieve for who you feel you once were & yes the guilt when we look in our Children's eye's & our Husband's can be so overwhelming & frustrating, we just want to be who we thought we were, we don't want to be ravaged with Disease's, that we feel we can't beat, fix or control & at time's feel like we are loosing the battle. I have always' been strong & felt i have to be strong help other's before myself & that big smile i put on my face an say yes I'm good, when in actual fact i am not & i just want to scream my lung's out & say i am drowning here how much more sh#t need's to be thrown at me, before i can't get back up again.
    Like you Michelle i fear if i let go of what people assume is great strength, i may be lost for ever but i also know i am getting to a stage where being strong is running me into the ground..
    Also to the people whom mean well & i know they do mean well. But Please Please don't' say everything happens for a reason because it doesn't if you read my Medical File you would see i have had way more than my fair share & there is only sooo much one person can take & there certainly is no "good reason or lesson to learn "you would understand that if you could look into my children's eye's..
    Michelle i hear you & understand you so well, my heart goes out to you & yes it suck's more than i could put into word's, i don't need to put my name to this because i know you will know who i am. I am here for you & you don't' have to put that happy face on & lift everyone else up all the time..
    Your blog but mainly your honesty has opened my eye's it is alright for me to ask for help & i need to let go of the fear of loosing control, because i really don't have control over Disease's that can't be fixed, i can only do my best & ask for help, i think the need to be strong may have well hindered me more than my Disease's..
    Michelle take good care of yourself first & the rest will follow my friend.

    Thank You
    Michelle

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All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx