Thursday, 8 May 2014

5 minute purge.


Periodically I do a 5 minute mind purge to help me cope. It's a bit like the valve on my mental kettle. I don't care about spelling or punctuation. The idea is to just get it out.

I'm still not picking up after the weekend's ER visit. Life is falling by the wayside. Promises are broken. Commitments not met. And after sliding down the door to my bathroom again today and feeling worse than I have in quite some time, I just needed it all out. 


Flair, crash, gigantic crapfest. Feeling like I'm flailing in quicksand. Lying on tiles. Grabbing walls. Crawling from the bathroom. How did it come to this? Vomit, crap, shake, slur, pain. Drag myself up as my body drags me down. Tomorrow is another day? Yesterday was a tomorrow once. As was today. Don't silence me with your discomfort. Don't treat me like I have no clue. Don't mistake my emotion for giving up, for depression, for weakness. Don't tell me it'll get better. Don't tell me to have hope. Don't tell me. This is a moment. My moment. Not yours. My moment to feel it all and express it all. I will be done when I am done. Not when you feel it is enough. I will raise my voice and shake my fist. This is my story not your story. My day, day after day after day. I will not bear the burden of your discomfort, because my suffering is too much for you. Because my grief and pain is too much for you. If you cannot bear to listen for five minutes how do you think I can bear to live with this day, day after day, week after week, year after year? You want release? So do I. Stop telling. Stop shoulding. Stop silencing. Just stop. Just be with me. Just listen. Just let me rail. Just let me cry and yell and scream at the injustice of it all. Let me voice it all and purge my spirit. Be silent. Be quiet. Be still. I don't want solutions. I don't want pity. I don't want your sorrow. I just want.

Feel free to add your own 5 minute mind purge below. Don't worry about spelling or grammar just get it out. You can be anonymous if that feels easier. 

Michelle

18 comments:

  1. I've had enough.

    There - I said it.

    Just three words, but they are as startling as a crashing gong when said into the silence.

    I've. Had. Enough.

    I've had enough of this merry-go-round, spinning faster and faster, with no end in sight.
    Let me off.
    I've had enough.

    I've had enough of the, "Try this, try that, nothing's working, we don't know...but here's my bill..."
    If you don't know, can't help, don't care, stop poking and prodding me, filling me up with pills until I rattle.
    Leave me alone.
    I've had enough.

    I've had enough of this roller coaster going up and down, I say "up and down", but it always seems to be down, down, down. I thought this would be a roller coaster, I was prepared for a roller coaster. I expected some "up and down". But "down and down"...down into the depths... I wasn't prepared for that. I'm locked inside a submarine, and buried at the bottom of the sea. Let me out - I want to breathe. I want to LIVE.

    I've had enough. Just... please...
    Why won't those words release me?
    The abracadabra of the magician who reveals the rabbit in his hat.

    When I say, "I've had enough", I want it to stop. To end.
    For this to be all a bad dream. For us to laugh about it, and move on.
    But this isn't a dream. Not even a nightmare.

    It's a merry-go-round spinning round and round and round, faster and faster, and I feel like no one can hear my screams, my cries for help, as I cling desperately to the metal, the force tearing out my my fingernails, while all the while I know that at any minute, I'm going to be thrown, flung, tossed far away. And it's going to hurt even more than this. But at least then... it would stop.

    I've had... enough.

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    1. I hear you and understand completely, Anon xx

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  2. The "Girl from Yesterday" was on the radio today. It's a love song, after awhile my brain drifted off.... but I kept thinking about the title. The Girl From Yesterday. I miss who I was all those yesterdays ago sooooo much. I want to be her so bad! I want the world to see me as her again and I want the recognition she got. She didn't even have to struggle to get it. I want the ease of movement and the confidence. I want the spontaneity and the sexiness. I want just one doctor to look at me and see The Girl From Yesterday. They'd make an effort for her. She's not tired, emotional, fed up and needy. She's not begging for help. She's not sick. Those five boys got it right when they sang:
    Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away. Now it looks as if they're here to stay, oh.... I believe. In Yesterday.

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    1. Ditto!!!!!

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    2. I also think of that KT Tunstall song "the girl and the ghost", my old self seems very ghost-like these days. Hugs to you both. xx

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  3. I heard you Michelle ((hug)) xx
    My purge is "I am absolutely bloody sick of all this" and "why is it us who are ill, not fair, there are so many things I want to do and I know I never will now and I have a long time to do nothing but sit and think about it"

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    Replies
    1. My song for this is Coldplay - The Hardest Part
      "The hardest part was letting go not taking part......."

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    2. Thank you Anon. I think for a lot of us just to be heard is so important. Have to get it out or it eats us up from the inside. xx

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    3. Yes Michelle you are right and nobody else can understand or even wants to most of the time. I'm going to have a listen to these other songs and have a sob-fest haha!! It all seems such a shame what a waste of excellent people like us.
      The other thing that gets me is all the inspirational quotes you see on Facebook, some days they really do help but other days I just look at the screen and say **** off! I would rather read your blog and often think about a can of "harden up Princess"!!!! Best wishes to you Michelle, I sooooooo wish you have a better spell now

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    4. I have the same feelings about the inspirational quotes at times. They seem really trite at times. Sometimes a sob-fest is what we need to get it all out. Big hugs to you and everyone else. We all need some better days xx

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  4. Loneliness by Annie Lennox, always makes me cry because it's how 'this' makes me feel a lot of the time. Life is crap at the moment not just because of the 'no you are not going to be able to eat, and even the Nutrijuice they've given you will cause you problems-and ha ha the medical profession in general don't give a f that anything you finally persuade them to do to try and find out what is causing it will take forever to get organised' flare. I have just been told that because I want to have some savoury food supplements instead of just three fruit juice flavours I Have to see the dietician, but sorry not until 29th May! Bad day yesterday after reaction to the radio-active water, dye and intravenous buscapan I had during the MRI day before - as I said "Loneliness, is a place that I know well, it's the distance between us, and the place inside myself. I've got a problem that's hard to find, wont give me no peace of mind, something that I live with on and on"..... Going on holiday on saturday, 6+hrs journey in car, need the sea are but terrified for all the reasons you and all will understand when away from home... Thanks Michelle, love ya xx

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    Replies
    1. Oh hon I'm so sorry you are still being stuffed around with your GI issues. It's so unfair. That is a good song by Annie, I love her. Some of those lines just hit you in the heart. I really hope your trip away is a good thing and that all those things we worry about don't eventuate. Let the sea and the waves wash away all the stress and crapiness. xx (PS I appreciate you getting the Mac out :) )

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  5. I am not a delicate fucking flower….with a hanky, and a fainting couch always at the ready. Although this shell that betrays me on a daily basis would have you believe otherwise, I am not.
    I don’t want to feel like I have to give references from my “always” friends, to new people I meet…..to assure them that this isn’t really me, this new version…
    I don’t want to nap at 2 O’Clock every day….EVERY DAY. It isn’t a luxury. It’s a preventative measure- sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t…..One thing I know for sure, is that if I don’t…..I’m done for that day- I’ll try again tomorrow.
    I want to be vibrant, I want my eyes to shine like they did before, before this. I want to feel alive, I want to go hiking. So many things I thought- I’ll do that when the kids are grown. They’re grown now, not only can I not do those things, I can’t enjoy their kids.
    I want, I want, I want.
    I feel like yes, there are some reasons that this has come about- some things the powers that be were trying to get through to me and I wasn’t listening…..but I GOT IT, NOW, UNIVERSE---let me out and I’ll show you.
    Thanks, Dear Michelle for this oh so timely opportunity….as always- Your knack for allowing so many to realize they’re not alone is amazing. (American Gangster)
    “…But I won’t cry for yesterday, there’s an ordinary world somehow I have to find,
    and as I try to make my way, to the ordinary world- somehow I will survive….” ~Duran Duran

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    1. Yes, I want to second that, thanks Michelle, you help so many of us realise we are not the only ones going through this and we are actually one big club all spread across the earth and all understand each other. Plus it seems we all seem to use music to help us through, Much luv to us all xxx

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    2. Oh Duran Duran I love that. I'm so glad this post could give you a chance to get it all out my gangster friend. xx

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    3. "We are one big club all spread across the earth and all understand each other", so so true. Big hugs and love xx

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  6. For weeks i have been a mess, tears choking me at any given moment, heart pounding, screaming in the car..and now...nothing...but not in a good way. A locked up, grief numbness. I dont know which is worse. When my soul goes quiet it feels like its giving up, shutting down. the jagged pieces of my shattered heart have bled me dry...for the moment. i feel like a husk that will crumble at the slightest touch. Where did i go? Where am I? Is this a dream? a nightmare? I am lost. A lost ship broken into slivers on the rocks. Pieces of me floating away, never to be seen again. This cant be me. This broken sad exhausted meek thing. This bloated miserable body. This unbelievably relentless torture of pain. Like torture. Unbelievable. Inconceivable. No one can believe it. Not even me. It has to be a nightmare. Why cant I wake up. Why cant I sleep. Where did my life go? Why am I alone?

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All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx