Friday 3 February 2012

The View From My Couch: Sparkles

Today is one of those days that I'm totally exhausted. It's not normal tired. It's a complete bone weary kind of tired, where even lifting my head or typing these couple of lines is exhausting. It's when thinking is too much, and constructing a sentence leaves you needing a recovery nanna nap. It's a kind of exhaustion reserved for the chronically ill. A kind of exhaustion I never knew before Bob reared his ugly head.

The last couple of weeks, hell the last couple of days, have taken a toll. Technology debarkles, Summer heat and the added bonuses of extra non-Bob related injury and illness. Pre-sick I'd be fine. But these days it just saps me dry. I have posts and articles to write, email systems to fix, Dorothy Shoe Project newsletters to send out, and then there's the whole keeping my family running issue. It gets hard sometimes.

Yesterday I admitted that I have become somewhat (okay make that a lot) socially phobic over the last few years. It seems the isolation of chronic illness is not conducive to maintaining those skills, or at least your confidence in them. Especially as the years pass. Now whether or not I am actually shite at social chit chat I'm not sure. My own neurosis says "Hell YES". But it may be like riding a bike and I just need to get out there and do it. There are blogging conferences coming up locally and I am still umming and ahhing about going. Fear of small talk with strangers, or ending up flaked out on a floor are hard to move past. But the beautiful community of the internet stepped forward with words of support and encouragement. And that's what I love about this whole blogging, tweeting, facebooking world of ours. Strangers, people I have never met, may never ever have the chance to meet face-to-face, stepping forward to cheer you on. For no other reason than they care. I'm not sure if I'm going yet, but I know if I do I'll have a cheer squad across the world waving their pom poms and doing the splits, so a neurotic 38-year-old woman can make it through a day of social interaction.

Now I'm lying here flaked out on the couch. Old trackie dacks and t-shirt. Hair unbrushed and shower avoided. The eldest started Yr 12 today so it's my first early school morning since last year. It's going to take me a while to get my body to accept the new program again. Coming on top of a few weeks of extra poor health it may take a little bit longer than usual. I had to laugh though. The youngest (he doesn't start till Monday) came in and asked me a question. He saw me lying on the couch in my old and comfy clothes, rocking a whiter shade of pale, and didn't bat an eyelid at the fact that I was also wearing my Dorothy Shoes. My weirdness has now become normal.

Today I may feel like crap, but the view from my couch definitely makes me smile.

Michelle :)

The more astute of you may have noticed Thor's cameo in between my sparkle clad feet. He has become a permanent, smelly and slobbery, shadow of late. Who needs a bp machine to tell me I'm crap when I have 90kgs of dog whose very proximity is an accurate indicator of my health.

1 comment:

  1. I love your humour and expressive way of writing.
    You say all I cannot.
    I too am chronically ill with ME, each day is a painful fatiguing struggle.
    To maintain any relationships is difficult, thank you for your amazing inspiration...
    Wendy x


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