Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Hey Universe, can I have an epiphany without all the stress? Thanks.
The last 24 hrs have been a wee bit stressful. For those who didn't read my panicked posts on FB and Twitter yesterday (be grateful you were spared my meltdown), I went to open the blog yesterday, only to be faced with a bright red screen screaming "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. DANGER" *insert appropriate robot arm actions*.
"Do not proceed"
"Don't open the door"
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"
These are not the words to brighten a blogger's day. Especially a blogger who has the technical knowledge of a rock. Or a blogger whose reserves are a bit like that little bit of sauce in the bottom of the bottle that wont come out now matter how much you bash it on the table, or swear and threaten the bottle. This may lead to a blogger posting babbling cries for help on FB or Twitter. Or sending panicked texts to her husband who is in another town for work. Luckily, said blogger's husband is very understanding. And whilst he was no doubt rolling his eyes and shaking his head and wondering why he volunteered to marry a crazy woman, he was kind enough not to say so. Thankfully, Mr Grumpy was able to fix the problem, which may have led me to promise him certain 'things' in my mindless relief. Luckily, I always have the brain fog defence. I said what? I don't remember that.
Now that the swearing, rocking in corners and crying into my cornflakes has stopped, I can look back on the past 24 hours with a wee bit more clarity.
Above everything, what yesterday taught me is that I really love this blog.
The thought of it being attacked, losing it forever, or infecting those I care about, was overwhelming. I'll admit these feelings took me by surprise. I want to be glib and light and laugh it off, but the reality is that this blog has become an important part of my life. It is a history of not just my dealings (or in many cases not dealings) with Bob. It is a history of me. A tangible record of the good and the bad. It's a reality check and also a story of how far I have come. It reminds me that I do have strength, even when I think I don't. And that tomorrow really does hold hope.
It is the development of community and friendship. Of finding I wasn't alone. That there were others across the world who felt as I did. Others that understood the dark times and who could also laugh, and in turn make me laugh, at the absurdity of our united experience. It is a lifeline for me and, as all the lovely comments of support from yesterday atest, a lifeline for others. A breaking of borders and isolation that would never have occurred without those first clumsy steps into social media.
It reminds me that everyone can find purpose and connection, even when it seems your health threatens to take it all away. That meaning can be found in the most unexpected places. And you can make a difference not just in your own life, but that of others.
It is my baby, my sanity, and my family.
And I am thankful for the voice it allows me to have and the people it has brought into my life.
Wow, after all that sentimentality I feel the need for some cleansing corny 80's music.