Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Hey Universe, can I have an epiphany without all the stress? Thanks.

The last 24 hrs have been a wee bit stressful. For those who didn't read my panicked posts on FB and Twitter yesterday (be grateful you were spared my meltdown), I went to open the blog yesterday, only to be faced with a bright red screen screaming "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON. DANGER" *insert appropriate robot arm actions*.



"Do not proceed"

"Turn away"

"Don't open the door"

"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here"


These are not the words to brighten a blogger's day. Especially a blogger who has the technical knowledge of a rock. Or a blogger whose reserves are a bit like that little bit of sauce in the bottom of the bottle that wont come out now matter how much you bash it on the table, or swear and threaten the bottle. This may lead to a blogger posting babbling cries for help on FB or Twitter. Or sending panicked texts to her husband who is in another town for work. Luckily, said blogger's husband is very understanding. And whilst he was no doubt rolling his eyes and shaking his head and wondering why he volunteered to marry a crazy woman, he was kind enough not to say so. Thankfully, Mr Grumpy was able to fix the problem, which may have led me to promise him certain 'things' in my mindless relief. Luckily, I always have the brain fog defence. I said what? I don't remember that.

Now that the swearing, rocking in corners and crying into my cornflakes has stopped, I can look back on the past 24 hours with a wee bit more clarity.

Above everything, what yesterday taught me is that I really love this blog.

The thought of it being attacked, losing it forever, or infecting those I care about, was overwhelming. I'll admit these feelings took me by surprise. I want to be glib and light and laugh it off, but the reality is that this blog has become an important part of my life. It is a history of not just my dealings (or in many cases not dealings) with Bob. It is a history of me. A tangible record of the good and the bad. It's a reality check and also a story of how far I have come. It reminds me that I do have strength, even when I think I don't. And that tomorrow really does hold hope.

It is the development of community and friendship. Of finding I wasn't alone. That there were others across the world who felt as I did. Others that understood the dark times and who could also laugh, and in turn make me laugh, at the absurdity of our united experience. It is a lifeline for me and, as all the lovely comments of support from yesterday atest, a lifeline for others. A breaking of borders and isolation that would never have occurred without those first clumsy steps into social media.

It reminds me that everyone can find purpose and connection, even when it seems your health threatens to take it all away. That meaning can be found in the most unexpected places. And you can make a difference not just in your own life, but that of others.

It is my baby, my sanity, and my family.

And I am thankful for the voice it allows me to have and the people it has brought into my life.

Michelle :)

Wow, after all that sentimentality I feel the need for some cleansing corny 80's music.


  1. I would have freaked out and lost my marbles too. There has been a false article circulating facebook claiming that it's closing down... it got me thinking, what if social media no longer existed? What if blogger closed down? I'm sure I wouldn't cope. As corny as it sounds, blogging has changed my life. I spend less time in the ditch of depression and I have less pity parties because I know that there are others that know exactly how I feel.

    I'm so glad you go it all sorted. I LOVE reading your posts. You provide me with a good laugh and you always make me feel a little happier and brighter having read them. Which on crap days like today when doctors give me crap about their concern over my not doing anything even though I have stated several times that I am unvelievably fatigued- is much needed.

    Thanks :)

    1. I well and truly lost my marbles yesterday. Luckily it was no where near as bad as the bright red warning page suggested and Mr Grumpy just took it all in his stride. Like you I don't know what I'd do without social media. Being able to find even one person who gets it is such a relief and with social media it can be someone on the otherside of the world. There is so much we all have in common and blogging, twitter, FB and all the rest make it easier to find that. I'm so sorry the doctors were giving you crap today. I don't think they understand what the fatigue we feel is like. Sometimes you feel so exhausted even breathing is a chore. I hope the humira is helping more though having read you last post about it, it sounds like a hard trade off. Glad I can at least give you a laugh or 2. :)

  2. Ditto above! POTS has kicked my arse up and down for the last few years (and left to right; there's admittedly a lot of arse...) But your blog is consistently a bright spot. (And a glaring one at that! You're way more fun than lots of things i can think of.)

    You're so wonderful, and i'll leave it at that. So glad the blog is back to rights <3

    1. Thanks Buffy. POTS is such a douche, he really needs to stop all the arse kicking. Maybe we could all get together and use our pathetically weak arms to give him a taste of his own medicine.

  3. So glad it's all back up & running again :)

  4. Oh my gawd... ELECTRIC DREAMS! Wahoo, it has been years! I love 80s music. Ain't nothing gonna break my stride....!

    I am so glad you love your blog, cuz I love your blog, and my blog, and some others but not those really sucky ones...

    Glad it is up and working again!!!!

    1. How can anyone not be happy listening to musical gold like 'Electric Dreams'? On the mutual blog love, you'll always be my No.1 Canadian LGBQT blog :) How did anyone resist Alfred in his cowboy hat? I just don't understand it.

  5. Love you picture, this blog and your enthusiasm. Not necessarily in that order!

  6. i love your blog too and i'm glad it has survived! xx


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