Thursday 7 July 2011

90% Mucus 10% Whinge

I love Winter I do.  It's cold (in fact it's supposed to snow here today) and you all know how I feel about cold.  It's right up there with giving Johnny Depp a sponge bath or eating chocolate off his belly.  Cold is good.  But unfortunately it also has a dark side.  It's also flu season.  The time of year where people cough on the back of your neck in line at the supermarket, or sneeze all over the produce section.  The time of year where you need a surgical mask and a blow torch to kill the bugapalooza growing on every surface in town.

Damn you sick people who can't keep your mucus to yourselves.  You should all be hunted down and kneecapped.

In case you can't guess, I have caught a bug.  And, I'm not happy Jan.

I have been reduced to a fetid cloud of pestilence, mankifying in bed.

Initially it was somewhat amusing.  Normal sick.  Sick like other people.  Sick that has treatments like chicken soup and Vicks Vapour Rub.  There was a novelty factor, that was somewhat pleasing.  However, that novelty factor wore off the second I went to take a sip of my coffee only to have a steady stream of super runny mucus run from my nose to plop in my mug.  This is not on people.

Since that time my body has been taken over by a ravenous horde of bugs, till I am now composed primarily of mucus.

I am past the point of walking around with tissues protruding from my nostrils in a vain attempt to stem the unending tide of mucus.  I am past the point of sitting miserably in the shower letting it's free flowing grossness be swept away by the shower nozzle.

I am even past the point of uncontrollable full body sneezing.  Thankfully, I have not reenacted my infamous Liverpool Kiss, Kitchen Bench incident (tip for the day, don't sneeze whilst bent over the kitchen bench) as I have been to unwell to enter the kitchen.

I am now at the joyous point where it solidifies in your lungs and produces the ultra-sexy Darth Vader wheeze.  I may or may not have amused myself for about an hour yesterday by saying "Luke, I am your father" in between lung wrenching coughs.

Stupidly, I though I was winning the war against my pestilence and went to physio on Tuesday.  Fool!  I should be studied for my heightened level of stupidity.  I'm pretty sure I heard the bugs in my lungs laughing at me, though that could have been my feverish delirium.

My throat feels like I have been chugging razor blades, and my ears want to burst.  My head is in a vice and even my eyelashes hurt.  Perhaps most distressing to my concerned loved ones, my whinge quota has gone up ten fold.

To say this has played havoc with Bob would be an understatement.  Standing and breathing, is over-rated right?  Who needs a pulse?  Not me that's for sure.  Though I could have done without the tachycardia and stabbing chest pain last night that made me feel as if my whole body was beating.

Impersonating characters from Star Wars aside, I have attempted to distract myself during this time.

Coma sleep has been quite good.  Though waking up to find your face stuck to the couch or pillow by mucus that works better than super glue, is a bit of a downside.

Whimpering into my pillow has passed many an hour.

Watching Zombieland did make me laugh/cough/choke.  And seemed somewhat appropriate given the various disgusting fluids exploding from my body.

Staring blankly at the computer screen for hours on end as your brain tries desperately to decipher those weird black squiggles, is quite productive.

I have redecorated the bat cave.  I'm going for the littered crack house look.  A pile of moist used tissues over there, another over here.  Multiple glasses and dregs-filled mugs.  Casually tossed books.  Throw pillows with suspicious mucus stains and funk coated pjs mutating in the clothes hamper.  Half empty Vicks jars and empty Panadol blister packs complete the ensemble.  Add in fragrance Eu De Sick, and I think I'm destined for cutting edge design magazines.

Luckily my supportive family have been on hand with comments like:

"Hope you get better Mum.  Remember you need to drive me to the movies on Friday", or

"So we're on our own for dinner then?"

Where would we all be without the love and understanding of our families.

So I shall now head back to my snot encrusted pillows, wipe the eye boogers from my tender lids and dream sweet dreams of Captain Jack turning up on my doorstep with a box of super soft aloe vera soaked Kleenex.


PS Any tips for passing the time whilst caught in the less than tender embrace of pestilence would be greatly appreciated.

After looking in the mirror this morning I realise I am truly bringing sexy back, yeah!


  1. Oh the novelty of "normal" sick, a sick everyone else can relate to. Though it does sound like Moses has been to your house and left a plague. I hope you feel better really soon.

  2. Too funny you would mention being excited over "regular people sick" -- i do the same thing these days.

    Anywho, about passing time -- have you heard of temari? It's an art form most conducive to couch sitting, so i've taken it up happily. (Also: guess what everyone is getting for Christmas this year, eh?) ;) Hope you feel less snotty soon!

  3. Michele - I'm pretty sure Moses could come and part the Red Sea in my nostrils of late.

    Buffy darling - go regular sick!! I have not heard of temari, will now go look it up. I vote less snot too :0

  4. Family comments = cracking me up
    You sick = :(
    Feel Better...hugs,

  5. Lucy - thanks babe. Family are delightful at times like these. I'm waiting for Mr Grumpy to read this and tell me to change round my percentages. :)

  6. at least you make sick sound amusing, but you of course have already probably tried this. Vaporizer with menthol. is a product you should really try. Whole based food nutrition in capsule form. Go to the website and check it out. I have been on this product for 11yrs. and keeps the bugs away. Also ALLER MAX is a good sinus product. Hope you get better soon. I am enjoying the summer time over here as I had all the sinus crap last winter and spring.

  7. STUPID PESTILENCE! Make it go away. One good came of it though. It totally put me off my lunch reading about dripping snot into your drink so thanks for that! I was TRYING to lose a few pounds. :) Feel better!!

  8. Veg - dude I am only here to help, plus I'm cheaper than JC.

  9. Mucus is a real donkey balls sucker.

    I had to look up whinge, never heard it before, so you expanded my vocabulary today, thanks for that!

    As far as passing time goes, I would prank call people and tell them you are their father in your Darth Vader voice. You have a gift, don't waste it.

  10. haha- great post! I can relate to that icky "other realm" of sickiness. Hope it passes right quick!

    I highly recommend Vicks tissues (Puffs Plus). And any good old-fashioned television. Something curious but horrific, like Extreme Couponing. TV on DVDs has helped me through the couch-bound stretches. No commercials, and you can watch a whole season of LOST in a weekend!

    Sending good thoughts your way. Thanks for sharing your humor with us.

  11. Only you would take the time out to make me laugh whilst feeling so wretched. I need to laugh as I am not laughing about anything lately. Being in a permanent bad mood with everyone.

    I have tried to think of ways you can pass the time until the plague finishes but my brain is mushed and empty.

    So all I can say is please feel better soon.

    This too will pass.

  12. Oh I have just thought of something to clear airways, steam inhalation. It does work and if one can bear it put the drops in which I can't remember the name of which make ones eyes run as they are so strong, when they say one drop that is definitaly enough. If you haven't got a bought one which looks a little like a portable urinal, a bowl with a tea towel over the head with steam from a kettle of water does work just as well. I hate doing it but it really helps.

    There are old wives tales about onions in socks or something like that - worth a google to pass the time.

    Ok thats it, brain mush back, I am off.

    Thinking of you.

    Would it sound awful if I said I am such a bloody bad mood that I would quite like a lurgy like yours to inflict on my family. I know I say they are lovely but this week the teens have frankly pushed the boundaries and laying in bed demanding tea and tissues sounds good. I am beyond exhausted and perhaps if you blew hard enough into your laptop, you could give your bug away, then you don't have it anymore and I do. So that it could be pay back time. I am a nasty nasty nasty mother. So give it a go, stamp your foot with your red shoes on and believe. It could work.

    Although eldest flew to Greece yesterday, a good job too we need a rest from each other. Anyway probably the better idea is the steam inhalation. I am a mad deranged bendy lady today. But I think you knew that already when you saw I commented twice.

    Really am off now, to lick my wounds.

    Thank you for blogging my internety friend.

  13. I had a horrible cold recently too... I spent the time inhaling tissues and watching old movies as "comfort food". Christmas movies and Bing Crosby are my go to for comfort entertainment when I'm feeling particularly lousy... This time I watched "White Christmas" in order to combine both... "normal sick" plus "Bob" is a horrible, horrible thing. I kicked the bug, but haven't returned to my "normal" levels of "Bob" yet - perhaps this is my new normal.... Hmmm.... No, I don't think I like that idea - I've decided not to consider it as a possibility. :)

  14. Trucking Tumbleweed - ahhh grasshopper I am glad that I was able to impart my knowledge.

    Emma - now why didn't I think of Lost, damn my mucus addled brain.

    Achelois - I did the bowl of steam trick which did help a bit. So sorry about the home situation. Sometimes it just gets on top of you and you need space from the family to maintain your sanity and not kill them in their sleep. I hope things are picking up for you, you're always in my thoughts :)

  15. Neuropoet - I love White Christmas. I do hate that post sick malaise where you don't quite get back to where you were beforehand. It takes me longer each time to feel back to my normal abnormal. I'm slowly getting there and will cross my fingers for you too. :)


All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx

Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.