Friday, 16 October 2009

Damn That Wall Packs A Punch!

Today is a bad day. Actually it's the continuation of yesterdays bad afternoon and evening. I'm siting here looking at my computer trying to get my brain to break through the concrete thick cotton wool that is filling my head. I type and re-type, write, delete, re-write, trying to form whole sentences. Looking over what I've written I notice that I've missed the majority of the joining words, apparently those pesky "thes" and "ands" have decided to make a break for it today. I have the fine motor skills of a rock at this point. My fingers feel like they are in those thick snow gloves which mute your feeling and dexterity. I pretty much need one of those touch sticks Homer needed to dial his phone when he decided to go for a disability that would allow him to work from home, and chose obesity. Today, I feel like I too need a moomoo or at least a helper monkey!

Maybe I could get one of those computer programs where you talk and it writes for you. On second thought I would still have to try and form sentences not only in my mind but also with my mouth. I wonder if you can get one that interprets slurred and mumbled drunk sounding talk?

I should have known yesterday that this was coming up. It started with wobbly legs at gym. Then the tingly and then numb face when I was having coffee with my physio girls. I swear I missed half the conversation as I vagued in and out. Then the feet started, the purple coming up my legs, going from lavender to midnight purple, my muscles becoming weak and super uncoordinated, then pins and needles feet. I got home just in time to enjoy the severe stomach cramps and nausea, the room began to swim, greying vision, and well that was the pretty much the high point of the day. After that it was pretty much game over. This isn't the first time I've experienced this and it certainly wont be the last. But that doesn't make it any easier to bare. Logic brain is off line today. Emotional brain has moved in and she's got a bad attitude.

I sit here feeling like an absolute space cadet. Sooooooo exhausted, mentally and physically. There's no point in even begining to entertain the idea of doing anything today. The simple task of making coffee was only achieved by sitting on the floor in the kitchen with my dogs looking at me like I was a freak. I look in the mirror and today my "invisible illness" is very visible. In fact there might as well be flashing neon lights around me and a marching band to announce it as I look so unwell. I wonder if I wack on enough Nude By Nature or Sheer Cover, will I be able to fake my way through the school pick ups? Hmmm... after a second glance in the mirror I think not. It may be time to break out the Halloween mask to cover up. That white faced scream guy from Scary Movie has more colour than me today.

I've downed so much water I might as well just sit on the loo for the day thanks to my acorn sized bladder. I've had extra salt on top of the normal ridiculous amount (it may be time for one of those huge salt licks they put in paddocks for cows). I've had all my tabs. I've tried lying down with my feet up. I've tried an extra sleep. I've made sure I eat despite the nausea. I've done everything I'm supposed to do and yet this crap continues. I hate that my body keeps on betraying me no matter what I do. There is no mind over matter some days. I try to be positive, I really do. I try to find the funny side of things. I know it's probably just the combination of the trip into the city to see my doc, change in meds, normal ill health and trying to go to physio, but I'm still shitty. As I said emotional brain in control today and she may just bitch slap the next person that crosses her path, whether they deserve it or not. I'm so over being sick. I'm so over it not only affecting me physically but also mentally. I had a brain once. I really did. I was able to juggle multiple intellectually complex situations with ease. Now I can't even find an "and" to complete a sentence that hopefully makes sense.

I know it'll pass eventually and I'll be back to normal crappiness. I don't want sympathy or pity, god I so don't want that. Just like I didn't want to get a motherly pat on the back by the gym lady for getting my tricep exercise correct (I know she meant well but Arghhhh). That just makes me feel more of a sick person.

OK time to end this blog. Just realised I've been staring at the screen for about 10 minutes without doing anything. Brain failing fast. Fine motor skills failing even faster. Getting that horrible whole body feeling like the sudden drop in an elevator. Never a good sign. Time for an extended nanna nap.

I hate hitting the wall. Especially when it slaps you right back, then jumps on you WWF style, and kicks you while you're down. Some walls just fight dirty.

Michelle :(

4 comments:

  1. hi michelle

    i suffered with nausea, (still do at times) terribly in spring of this year. so much so that i was in a&e on a drip four times!

    ive been taking domperidone since may and that little white pill three times a day seems to have done the trick.

    i have taken others, stemtiel (oh i will never take that one again) i just had to find one that worked.

    xxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. I despise those crappy days, and despise my bad attitude even more! I agree about pity, I don't want it, but do do feel better after my own personal pity party. I know hugs usually make me feel better, so I'm sending a heartfelt cyper hug your way.
    ;)Michele

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi Michelle,

    sorry to read that your trial with that medication didn't work out. I have to say it's a relief to know that I'm not the only one who goes from trial to trial with things never quite working. I guess we just have to keep on going - no other choice!

    A friend of mine and I have this little saying we use to cheer each other up on the bad days. It's - 'chin up, young person!' I can't remember why we started saying it, it's really so silly, but it always makes me laugh to say it!

    So - Chin up, young person!

    Emma

    ReplyDelete
  4. Michelle..Well where do i start with this blog, accept i sure do know what that feeling is like, too well for company now..When you said that wall pack's a punch, from personal experience and frustration, that wall packs a punch literally and especially if there is a stud behind it, so that i would not recommend from my own personal experience..Every thing you said i have experienced, more often than i would care to remember, it is near to unbearable, like you i do not wish for pity, i wish for me!! The one who was able to do everything at once and still keep going, with a smile on my face, i don't even think it is self pity, i find it more sheer frustration, i have even begun to laugh at myself, i don't realy eat much during the day an i asked Tim for a cheese & jam sanwich, when what i meant was a butter & jam sandwich, i have it in my head yet it does not match what i say, the same as typing, i relate to word's mixed up written backwards & no im not Dislexic, i got an A+ in English & i was a nurse, my family even now end my sentences for me, when i cant get my words out & even now i can re-read things & still mess it up, so if it's close enough, it's good enough & please some one tell me do they get a bouncing feeling when you get out of a lift or elevater?? That feel's kinda freaky, i hope you are having a good day, well as good as it can get for us..Remember we may be sick, but i like to think we are special, while there is air there is hope and even on my real bad day's in the end that is what keep's me going..HOPE..
    Thank you for sharing Michelle :0)
    I am normal after all :0)
    Trace..Hug's to you!!!

    ReplyDelete

All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx