Thursday, 12 March 2015

One ticket, please.

(Why yes, I have done that on more than one occasion, source)

Once upon a time I stood in an auditorium and helped to present a new protocol for my hospital network. I fielded questions in the room and later outside in the foyer over bad hospital coffee and dry biscuits. Questions relating to the implementation process were interspersed seamlessly with meaningless small talk. In the months prior, I had sat in a room full of senior staff and held my own. Always saying my piece without fear. Well, until after. In the moment I was good. A switch would go off in my brain and I would be in full work mode. Afterwards I'd beat myself up  for stupid remarks and things I should have said. But somehow in that moment I had the gift. What my father would call, an ability to "baffle them with bullshit," though in truth some of my bullshit also had substance. Prior there was stress too. Panic that what I was doing wasn't good enough. What was I doing? I wasn't senior enough to be doing this. Imposter Syndrome is the term bandied around now and I had it in spades. In reality I knew my stuff. But that little voice in my head was a total Mean Girl. Work mode vs personal mode, night and day.

That anxiety and lack of confidence continues to plague me. Though those old instances were like a half-arsed trial run. Someone playing at anxiety. Or maybe I was trotting the boards playing at confidence. (I now have "Act, Gary. Act." stuck in my head.) Either way since becoming ill my anxiety has hit some quite spectacular levels. Losing the limited confidence and skills that I once had has been hard. I hate social situations. I hate interacting with people. More than hate, it scares me sick.

Last year I made a decision to put myself out there and both seek out and take any opportunities offered. Having said that, the Mean Girl has never let up. Telling me I had no chance. No one would want me. I was a complete idiot to even think I could. And my hair looked stupid. As exciting as a yes email was, it was also a shock, followed by pee my pants fear. My long suffering family can give you many tales of me prostrate on the ground fighting off rising panic as certain events came closer. I'd wind myself up with anxiety. I say "I'd" as if it was a past issue. But it's not. Not even close.

I'd rather dig my eyes out with a rusty spoon than make small talk with people. I call my family members "buffers." They are my safety zone in a social situation and without them I can feel the panic rise. It seems ridiculous writing it out. I'm a 41 year old woman who'd rather spend the rest of her life in a cave than have to speak to people, or worse yet, meet new people. Swim with sharks? Sure, why not. A dinner with others? Watch me flee as fast as my stumbling lurching legs can take me.

I run through all the stupid things I'll say or do, long before I get somewhere. And in the moment, the panic that suffuses my body means that the words that come out are often harried and odd. Add in that I often have trouble speaking at the best of times, between the dysnomia and dyspraxia I am very self conscious when I'm out and about. I'd rather sit quietly in a corner pretending to sip a drink than interact. Thank goodness for a temperamental body that means I am often physically unable to go places. Go, Dysautonomia Go.

Being ill I have also lost the social currency that is a job. What's the first question you get asked when you meet people? "What do you do?" Ugh. Already I am screwed. I tried to say I write the other day and my lack of confidence just made me look like a fool. And "I'm home thanks to illness," doesn't have quite the same ring to it. Writing from the safety from my bedroom in my pjs I can be confidence central. Out in the real world I melt like ice cream on a Summer footpath. A very panicky and insecure ice cream.

And yet a part of me keeps fighting.

Yesterday I took the plunge and bought the second last ticket for a local International Women's Day event. A. SINGLE. TICKET. I'll pause to let that sink in. Excuse me while I hyperventilate for a bit.
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That's right. I completely lost my mind and booked the ticket before I could think. I blame the pain meds I took for the knives slicing into my abdomen. There's an anti-drug message for you.  Now it is dawning on me that tonight I will be alone.

In the next town.

At night.

In a room full of strangers.

In my chair.

ALONE.

I can already feel the bile rising in the back of my throat as the enormity of what I have done becomes clear.

So tonight I'll be watching a film about yodelling lesbian twins from New Zealand, and listening to Clementine Ford speak. All while swallowing down fear vomit and clenching my cheeks to stop anxiety bowels from making a break for it.

Wish me luck.

Next week I am going to a blogging event that requires networking. OMFG. NETWORKING. If you're in Melbourne for that, I'll be the woman in the wheelchair hyperventilating or feigning death in the corner.

Tell me. Have you taken any leaps into gaping maws of death of late?

Michelle

As I descend into a spiral of panic as tonight draws closer, I am turning to Madonna.

You're a superstar, yes, that's what you are, you know it.

Repeat ad infinitum

Here's hoping I don't unconsciously start doing the hand movements as I mumble this mantra tonight.

6 comments:

  1. May the force of all Dysauto-women be with you. This post sums me to a tee and that was before I was diagnosed with POTS. Add a daily dose of Dysautonomia and my social reality was reserved for conversations with the wonder dog about the prevailing humidity in the northern states of this vast land. Chronic illness is horribly isolating, stripping the entrails of confidence bare, but somewhere I realised a determination to challenge that anxiety, head on, by inviting it over to every social situation in which I felt/feel less than capable due to illness induced brain fog /faints or just plain feeling awful. Somehow by inviting it along and suggesting it better come with a mighty impressive display has tampered that insidious beast. You are right, you are a SUPERSTAR. Now all to do is make sure that anxiety knows that the superstar that is you isn't to be messed with.

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  2. I've been nodding my head reading this...you are not alone in feeling this way. x

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  3. Hi Michelle, I hate small talk, it absolutely terrifies me. So when we meet in Melbourne, please feel free to launch into a deep and meaningful discussion with me. I'll make sure to seek you out.

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  4. Sometimes, it seems like you are reading my mind, which ought to scare me but oddly comforts me. I have become far less lonely in this illness since discovering your blog.

    Anyway, to your question, last year one of my doctors observed that my life had become too utilitarian. To put it another way, it was too small, i.e., too much about medical woes and little else. She wanted me to do something for myself. Trying to make ends meet on disability when my meds and doctor visits eat up nearly half the income is challenging, but I took her admonishment to heart. Or, rather, it troubled my waters until I thought to chase her words from my mind by seeing if the city I moved to had a symphony. It did! A rather old and established one for such a small city. I bought season tickets, which a sponsor matched for this season for all new subscribers last year. I also added the four chamber music performances to my subscription. Often, I am so tired that I think staying home is best, but when I drag myself there, being surrounded by such beauty in the music, offsets my social anxiety and washes away a bit of my constant fatigue. Life as a single person living alone with the battle that is dysautonomia is, for the moment, a bit easier.

    Of course, bringing my Kindle to read before the performance and during the intermission helps solve the problem of my utter inability to engage in small talk!

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  5. Long time

    Hopefully you are riding a good wave of dysautonomia.

    Just curious. What is a good day like for you

    Corrine

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  6. Is it wrong that it's almost a relief to find I'm not the only one who feels this way? This post sounds so much like me! I hate the "What do you do?" question! I don't look sick so I feel like everyone is just thinking I'm super lazy when I tell them I don't have a job and it's also really hard to explain that although I look okay I'm not! I find it really annoying that I get asked this question at least once at almost every doctors visit or test that I'm having. Why do some of them get surprised I'm not working? I'm there because I'm sick!!!
    Thanks for your post though, it's given me a little nudge towards going out and doing something I'm scared of. Dysautonomia shouldn't be able to stop me. Stay strong.

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All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx