When Eden asked "what's your own personal sign that things will be ok? That you're safe, in the world. That something or someone has your back" I'll have to admit I was stumped. It's not something I really think about. And after reading her post I had to admit I really don't know.
In many respects I am jealous that she has such a clear and beautiful sign in her feathers. To have something which instantly engenders a feeling of peace and safety. It seems such a foreign concept.
I have had many days/weeks/years where I think the universe is an uncaring cow. When the shit keeps coming like a Category 5, and the calm of the eye of the storm seems unattainable. When I think back and try to remember what got me through those times there is no clear and tangible sign. Instead what I find are a series of unrelated and in many ways, unremarkable moments.
No two are the same. None are linked to epiphanies. Or fireworks. None of those annoyingly perky Oprah lightbulb moments. They are tiny, and no doubt inconsequential to others. None left me with a feeling of heavenly calm. None left me with momentous change. But little by little, they let me breathe a little easier.
A flash of vibrant blue in the garden that led me to discover a tiny plant I thought had died years ago.
The smell of Daphne on a cold Winter's day.
Laughing in a hospital courtyard as a girlfriend describes a vagina art documentary.
An email about the blog, that simply said "thank you".
Standing in the backyard and having a dog come and push his warm furry head into your hand.
A flower picked by my son, "just because".
Giggling at a Dorothy shoe/zombie parody, sent by someone I've never met, but call friend.
A husband who holds my hand as we sleep.
Are they signs?
I'm not sure. Maybe?
But they are the moments that make it all bearable.