Wednesday 2 November 2011

The Trick is to Keep Breathing.

It had to happen. Payback. I knew it was coming. I wasn't delusional enough to believe that I could avoid what was coming. That's just how it is. The game rarely changes. The rules remain the same. Now it's time to batten down the hatches and ride out the storm. I know it'll pass. That much is clear by now. That realisation doesn't necessarily make it any easier to deal with. But at least you have something to focus on whilst the storm rages. A candle in the window to lead the weary traveller to safety.

Like usual I pushed my limits. I let myself get caught up in the excitement. And it was grand whilst it lasted. It doesn't even matter what I did, it was just important that I did something, anything. Something not connected to illness. Not connected to symptoms, and pills and doctors.  Not connected to 'I can't", "I'm too weak", "I'm too sick", "I'm too.....". Small moments. Moments that have been in short supply the last three months. 

I didn't think, I just did. I shut out the voices that sing of defeat even prior to action. I don't know how. I don't know a magic formula or mental trick. I wish I knew so I could call upon it at will. I wish I knew so I could share it with all who read. I didn't think about payment. I didn't listen to my body's protestations. I closed my ears and shut away my internal naysayer.

I swept the dust from my potential and made it shiny and new. I saw possibilities and I took them without hesitation. I held them tightly until I could stand back and admire my handiwork. Pride. Satisfaction. Odd and unfamiliar emotions. Joy from littlest of achievements. 

And it is this I cling to whilst the winds howl and the rain pours. And I concentrate on the wonder that was achieved and I ponder the possibilities for when the storm ends. For it will end. And the sun will come out again. The trick is to keep breathing. Through the pain and the nausea and the fear. The trick is to keep the knowledge that it will pass close to your chest. That you'll make it through once more. That when the next storm hits you'll be prepared. You've been there. You've done that. You can do it again. A thousand times over. And with each breath you will feel lighter. With each breath you'll be free.

Michelle :)

Two songs today as frankly I am too tired to pick. Garbage have been a fav from back in the mid90s when they first formed. Combining the talented vocals of the gorgeous Shirley Manson and great muso and producer Butch Vig was always going to be gold. Maybe go the first one if you are in a more mellow mood. And the second, if like me, you like your down times to at least have a kickarse beat. Now back to communing with my pillow.

So lets see.  Last post I suggested that others get on the blogging wagon and join the 50KAwareness project.  Go, awareness. Go, getting your voice back. Go, not realising that it is already November and you are already behind. (Sigh). Foiled once more by the permanent fog that envelopes my last few remaining brain cells.  Between my failing temporal perception, fatigue and penchant for being distracted by bright shiny objects, this does not bode well for churning out 50,000 words in the month of November.

And that's the difficulty with trying to raise awareness when you are living with a chronic illness. The illness itself gets in the way. Best intentions and a can do attitude are not always sufficient to get the ball rolling. Sustaining the momentum is damn hard when you are having trouble simply brushing you teeth. But I shall solider on. No idea if I'll make the word count, or stick to topic. Like Carol Beer on Little Britain, I fear "computer says no".


  1. I decided to not do it this year. One year, I will. Just not now. Too many things happening and too much pain. But I'm proud of those who choose to stick with it. :)

  2. Writing is incredibly difficult with brain fog. Ugh. This comment probably doesn't even make sense... I say good on you for giving it a go! Go you! I think you've done a pretty darn good job at raising awareness. I'm amazed at how you can produce great and profound posts despite every thing you deal with. I can so relate to how you feel right now. I'm stuck in a pit because I pushed myself too hard. I had wonderful plans to write a few articles this week too but fatigue wants otherwise. It's so frustrating when stupid symptoms get in the way. I've had a terrible day today but thanks for reminding me that there is hope for better days. Just reading this post has made me feel so much better x

  3. As a person who frequently takes being healthy for granted, I have to apologize and say that you totally amaze me with your sunny outlook and excellent jokes while you are feeling so shitty yourself.

    If it helps, you don't have to chug out 50,000 words in November - let's face it you can do it ANYTIME you want. When you feel like it. And won't THAT show Bob who's boss?

  4. This is probably why I don't post much anymore, by the time I have gone through what you describe so eloquently I haven't the heart. Also all of sudden over here in the UK personal blogs that I followed became campaign blazing trails. Because of the way the benefits system is nowadays over here in the UK with regard to those with disabilites and illness many changed. Instead of personal blogs about individual journeys started to make me feel inadequate, guilty for not being able to be like them, sick but empowered not only to blog prolifically but selflessly attend rallies, badger politicians etc. I felt overwhelmed. Filled with a secret self loathing that I too wasn't standing up to be counted along with them. My blog went silent and has pretty much stayed that way for months.

    I would prefer anyday, that you blog for you, for what is in your personal energies best interest than exhaust yourself for the percieved greater good. A link is fine to the cause in times when you don't feel up to the challenge. Even if you never do anything other than link or mention it in passing, its just fine. Those of us that understand just how hard your illness is would get it if you simply left a blank post for us I believe. Knowing it would mean you felt too crap to put JackS&^t into words.

    Your post explains how I feel so much of the time. Maybe just maybe it will go a long way toward me getting my blogging mojo back. Now I have said one of the big reasons I lost it. Say that on my own blog, just couldn't get the words out. Now I read daily that these noble people have become even sicker because they have exhausted themselves. It doesn't help my guilt or feelings of helplessness as I fail each day sometimes to even get dressed until the afternoon, wracked with pain. I let my immediate family down daily because of my chronic condition and its many faces. To fail them further for the bigger picture is just too much for me. Perhaps its the way its meant to be and I should just stop overthinking.

    Michelle, I just wish you weren't so far away. Imagine the fun we could have spending an afternoon doing diddly squat (something my gran would say meaning 'doing nothing')Now that is a massive compliment because I don't really even see my friends over here in the UK anymore, as their lives are busy and mine is just a whole lot like yours.
    signing off finally a fellow blogger who just thinks the idea is good but without the energy it becomes a drain on your few resources. Don't worry about it, put it to the back of your mind, watch a comedy and laugh. Or just laugh if multitasking wears you out.

  5. How does one become part of the 50k awareness project? i am having difficulty finding info on it...

  6. Rachel - yeah there's no way I'll make 50,000. I'm not particularly well at the moment and have a lot of other stuff going on. I'm always impressed by those who manage it.

    Miss CC - sorry you are having such a rough time at the moment. Sometimes you need to make a conscious effort to find a way through. I'm good at it some days and bad others. I hope you get some relief soon :)

  7. Veg - thanks babe. Yeah I'm tossing up between 50,000 words or gorging on chocolate and potentially margaritas given how hot it is. Now that would really show Bob!

    Achelois - I think we'd have a ball too. Damn, distance. Cardio actually said I'm not fit to fly yesterday. Kinda knew it, but it did shit me to hear it. Even if it was unlikely to happen before, I at least had the delusion of being able to travel to meet all my bloggy friends. It's hard to see others going all out on the awareness front, but I know that like you I just can't. I don't have it in me physically, let alone emotionally at the moment. You aren't less babe. I figure we don't have to be all things for all people. Sometimes you have to leave that stuff for others and just do what you can. Plus, when you have so little energy you have to spend it on the essentials of getting through day to day. Sometimes everything else has to wait. I say all this knowing that I beat myself up on a regular basis. Diddly Squat sounds good at this stage xxxx

  8. Mel - here's the link Good luck with it.

  9. Beautiful writing...A candle in the window to lead a weary traveler to safety. Love these songs.


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