Tuesday 23 February 2010


The last week (well 'weeks' if I think about it, but that's just plain old depressing) has been a health shit fight.  My body has decided to demonstrate just how incompetent it is on the whole functioning front.  My BP has been all over the place as has my HR.  There is no consistency, no rhyme or reason for the crappapaloza that's going on.  It's not like I can say it was particularly hot on Thursday and that's why I don't recall from early afternoon till the next day, because it wasn't that hot.  Similarly, why did my body go arse up whilst I was driving, so that my panicked eldest had to tell me to just drive straight home from his bus stop, because I was green and my face "wasn't quite right"? 

Most annoying, troubling, for me is that I have gone back to the swoon or the 'less than one second till' swoon, whereby I barely get enough time to lie down to avert full swoon mode.  This just isn't part of the plan and I wish that my stupid body would get with the bloody program.  Yes I used the word swoon.  I much prefer it to the inadequate terms like 'passing out', 'fainting', 'blacking out', syncope or my personal least favourite "simple faint".  Simple faint my arse.  That term could only be thought appropriate by people who have never experienced the delight of a 'simple faint'.  Unlike these inadequate words, 'swoon' just screams 1920's silent movie glamour and is much more palatable.  If I have to do the whole syncope thing I'm picking my descriptor.

I do quite like this modern day version as well (well more the clothes really) All very Mad Men.

Unfortunately the reality is more likely to look like this:

(Ahh the elegance).

In reality I know I shouldn't be complaining.  For some, swooning is an every day event or for the unlucky few an hour to hour phenomenon.  Luckily for me I'm an occasional swooner thanks to the meds.   I mostly do a sort of half-hearted piss-poor excuse for a swoon now.  Yep can't even do that right, my body is such a useless douche bag.

Early on in the piece I had no real warning.  It was case of me standing in lounge room.  Then me waking on the floor going 'WTF'????  Meds have changed that thankfully.  Now I get a lead up.  What's known as pre-syncope.  This is the delightful state of hot flushes, greying vision, nausea, muscle weakness, pasty chic with a touch of vomit green, confusion, lack of coordination and so on.  Unfortunately this lead up is pretty much my permanent state now.  The only difference being the symptom severity.  But these last few weeks my lead up has shortened. 

I knew last week things were not looking good early on in the day. 

(Hmmm should I stay home and try and rest. No.  Go out and do lots. No problem).

But at least my heart rate was out of the low 40s.  I had hoped that the day would improve.  Looking back I realise the lack of blood flow to my brain was probably begining to affect my thinking.  I managed to get to my friend Kezza's house, luckily only 5 mins away.  I managed to stay for a couple of hours chat and have coffee.  I should have realised that the fact that it took 3 of us to create a Wii character for Wii Fit that things were not exactly shining brightly. Problem was that this was really the last thing I recall clearly that day.

I don't really recall driving home, picking up the kids, shopping or getting home but I must have done it all as I had 2 kids winging like usual, there was food in the fridge and I was KOed on my own couch.  But that's it.  I know I ended up in bed but I'm not sure how.  I took my BP but I don't recall pushing the button.  Luckily my machine records your last level.

 (Bugger.  Pretty sure I may have been away with the pixies by this stage).

Call me crazy, but I have a feeling that this could be reason why I don't recall the rest of the day.  And they keep saying high blood pressure is the problem.  (They also say salt is bad.  Unless you are a freak like me.  Obviously Bob is the king of Bizarro Illnesses).

Unfortunately it was Ground Hog day, yesterday.   I kind of remember David telling me to get out of my dress and put on my pjs, but I could be wrong, I'll have to check.  I do know I woke up in pjs so I guess it happened at some point.  WTF body!!!  I am on a cocktail of drugs to stabilize my BP, I scull water and eat so much salt I could pretty much double as Lot's wife, and this is what I get.  Stupidly I also have other days where my BP does stupid things like 140/115.  Or days where it is 100/92, so I have no pulse, which gives a whole new to the term 'looking like death warmed up'.  I have also had periods with a HR of 150+ just sitting on the couch.  Who says you can't get a work out whilst watching TV?  Mind you one of those times I had just been watching Jensen Ackles on Supernatural so maybe that's the true cause. 

The result of this is I am exhausted.  As I sit here writing I am feeling like a space cadet.  I am pretty much the poster child for "Lights On No One Home".  My head feels like it may explode in the next 3 seconds, my muscles are jelly, I am uncoordinated and keep hitting walls, tables, fridges etc, I really wish they'd stop jumping out at me.  I also put my saucepan of milk on the stove this morning, only problem was I forgot the milk part, and turned it on anyway.  Mmmm nice warm air to put on my oats, tasty.  I have a series of 'mystery' bruises on my legs, arms and feet and I have no idea where I got them.  So now I have purple and black legs, sexy!  I am also starting to rue the day we picked a house with 3 fights of stairs, which leave me breathless.  Now it's just the week of recovery, ie back to normal crappness. Swooning sucks.

It may be time to send my body a 'Dear John" letter.  I think it'd go a little something like this:

Dear Body,

You are a dick.

Go self fornicate.


Ok so I may be a little shitty today.  I've had a crappy week(s).  I did hear that Bob used to be called 'Irritable Heart', and I know I also have an "Irritable Bowel", so maybe I'm just plain old Irritable.  I'm sure when I read this back in a few days I'll be horrified by my poor attitude but hey at the moment there's no blood going above my irritable shoulders so the old brain filter is on the fritz and I've pushed the publish button.  I'm pretty sure this is the blogging equivalent of drunk dialling.  So I guess I should leave it with "I luvs yas all. I do. (hic) I really, really (hic), really love you. I do.  You're the bestus".

Swooning Michelle :)

I think I may have to invest in a Fainting Chair.  I've always liked them.  Maybe that was a sign of things to come.  They were very popular in the Victorian Era for all those poor corseted women, with such small waists they made Posh Spice look like Barbar.


  1. 42/29???!!! Oh dear lord, I can't imagine how rotten that must feel! I hope your week(s) improve STAT! And hey, don't worry about the 'irritability' honesty is refreshing and you do so with humour so it doesn't come across like 'oh woe is me'. Mind you, that's quite a good one for the 'swoon' position- the hand to the head- the dramatic, faraway look in the eyes...

  2. Oh Michelle, thanks for the laugh, though I feel a bit guilty its at your health's expense. I often say "I'm experiencing the vapors" when I've hit the floor. I've always envisioned myself as a Southern Bell with the tight cosetted dress, on the fainting couch with a glass of sweet tea in one hand and fanning myself with the other. That bp sounds scary, take care of yourself!

  3. Laura - Oh yes I am a drama queen. I so want that red couch. I do wonder if I can get it with a handsome well built guy in a loin cloth to fan me whilst I recover, or another to feed me peeled grapes.

    Michele - he he. We all have a drama queen inside us. I do like "experiencing the vapours" it's so Scarlet O'Hara!

  4. I like the word swoon. Though Scarlet O'Hara wasn't much for real swooning, more the attention swooning - which would be me, if I could pull it off. I'll go try.

    Yeah, that's a bust.

    I hope your head feels more attached soon, dear.

  5. Thanks for the giggles.

    I'm with Laura, 42/29?!?! Oh my word, Michelle!!! Holy crap!!!! No wonder a swoon chair is in order. And the pic of how the swoon actually looks, that was really funny. And heart wrenching. I felt guilty for laughing. You be careful!!!!

    You'll get a kick outta this: I actually am looking at like those granny shower chairs to put my legs on-since it hurts to bend over and shave my legs HAHA! Oh the drama. I would post about it, but it would require nakedness. And after 3 years of this- naked is not my thing anymore. =)

  6. OWO - I'm thinking you could do a fantastic swoon. Much better that old Scarlet.

    Lucy - you could always just go with gorilla legs I'm sure they're all the rage somewhere. I've recently had to abandon the the old razor as super touchy reflexes and sharp mental blades do not go well together. If only I wasn't such a wuss and could go the waxing route. Maybe you could paint your old lady chair a cool colour, I'm sure that'd make it all better LOL

  7. I like the word Swoon, and love the Mad Men visuals -- we should all do that, wouldn't our daily lives seem so much more glamorous than the real everyday of picking up dog poop, both literally and figuratively?

    Hope today is a better day!

  8. Brahm - Welcome. I'm all for delusional glamour. I personally think it's the only way to live. Yes life can be one (or two in our case) great dane sized dog poos some days. And can I just say Alfie is gorgeous.

  9. Oh god, I laughed at that last photo of the woman on the floor with her legs on the seat. That photo pretty much sums up my life, I'm going to copy it and save it!

    When I saw the title of your piece it reminded my of an Emily Dickinson poem which I've just looked up:

    There is a pain—so utter—
    It swallows substance up—
    Then covers the Abyss with Trance—
    So Memory can step
    Around—across—upon it—
    As one within a Swoon—
    Goes safely—where an open eye—
    Would drop Him—Bone by Bone.

    I love the line 'as one within a swoon foes safely,' what a beautiful writer she was.

    I have another book give-away going on my blog at the moment...check it out if you'd be interested in a free Buddhisty kind of book!

    ps sorry to hear you haven't been well. I've been having similar temperature/heart rate problems and it's so uncomfortable.

  10. Oh boy...just typed out a comment and it disappeared...don't know how that happened.

    I was saying that I laughed my head off at that photo of the woman on the floor with her legs on the chair. It pretty much summed up my life.

    I've got a book give-away on my blerg at the moment, check it out if you'd be interested in a Buddhisty book.


  11. I've never seen a worser blood pressure. I've had so many days where mine has been 64/42, but 42/29? I'm frightened for you.

    My Dysautonomia has been better as far as nausea and dizzyness these days, but I have been getting migraines like never before. With all of your problems, do you ever get migraines?

  12. Emma - I love that 3rd photo too, though I do wish reality was the Mad Men one. Oooh gotta love a give away. I'll be right over :)

    GFTG - migranes pretty much every day. They seem to go hand in hand with dys. Yeah the low bp did worry me a bit but it's back up again for the moment. I'm not sure why it's turned to pot at the moment. Wish I did know. Waiting for my doc to call me back.


All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx

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