Monday 22 August 2011

The Great Escape

Just another quick post to let everyone know I'm out of hospital and back home.  Unfortunately, my plan to have a fully functioning gut and butthole was simply a flight of fancy and I am still sick as a dog.  (My plan to be ANTMs oldest, most wrinkled supermodel, is however going a treat, and I may be just a kilo or two off rocking skeletal chic).

It has really been quite an eventful time in my life, thanks to Bob's fickle nature. Highlights have included:

  • I did win a battle of wits with Nurse Ratched (I will have my lemonade biatch!).  
  • I've been violated yet again, by a suspiciously cheerful man with a variety of snake like cameras.  
  • And have reported on the frequency, shape, size, consistency, colour and odour of my excretions to every person within a five mile radius of my hospital room.  

Ah dignity, I feel I may have misplaced you somewhere between the thumb-sized poo collection jar of stupidity and having to brace for a surprise enema.

"How many times can this woman talk about her busted gut and her need for special ed classes to learn how to poo?", I hear you ask.  Well many many times apparently.  Lucky you, dear reader.

Actually, what's even luckier is that my piss poor excuse for a body continues to fall apart at the seams so I am too exhausted to do much of a post (or breathe, or stand, or shower, or....), so you'll have to wait for the next episode in the exciting adventures of my bowel.

I will leave you with a fabulous post from one truly lovely Elly Lou of BugginWord fame who made my day by dedicating her weekly uke tune to me.  I may have alternately laughed hysterically and sobbed uncontrollably throughout, but mostly it just made me smile.  (PS I am also happy to take that bottle of wine, I'll even wait to share till after Paul's arrival, MFBT baby :))

A huge thank you to everyone who has commented, emailed, tweeted and FBed me over the past few weeks.  It means more than you could know, and has helped to keep me smiling through what I will have to admit has been and continues to be, a rather rough patch on many levels.

Michelle :)


  1. I feel terrible, because I completely missed that you were in hospital.

    Sending love. xxxx

  2. Oh Michelle i am so sorry & i truely hope thing's pick up for you. Maybe you are in need of a good quality Butt Plug...You never cease to amaze me with your Grammar & imagination you most always certainly manage to bring a big smile to my face & a good old chuckle..All jokes aside feel better real soon my friend..Hugs Trace :)

  3. Veronica - no stress. I wasn't around a lot to let people know. Still only on the fringes of the interwebs. But I will take that love right about now.

    Trace - Bob has put his foot down and my neuropathy is spreading faster than I thought. I'm just hoping this flair up settles soon. I don't want this to be my new permanent state. Let me know if there is any more PR you want put on FB or here to get word out for you. PS do not goggle "Butt Plug" because it's late and you're brain is exhausted. There are some things best left unseen.

  4. But DO google "Virgin Mary Butt Plug." Heh. I think there's a Buddha one, too. Don't ask me how I know that. I plead the fifth.


  5. Missed you Michelle and thanks for bringing a smile on my face and a giggle in my heart. Praying this is not your new "normal"

  6. hey michelle

    so glad your out, only potsies can talk about poo and get away with it! hoping your health improves soon, keeping my ultra bendy fingers crossed for you. xxxxx

  7. @Elly Lou - Oh. My. Lord!
    -MR G

  8. Elly Lou, I smiled by default so thank you.
    Michelle - to me you will always have dignity because in adversity you shine.
    Anyway in truth I bet doctors who specialise in bowels quite like poo. I mean if you think about it really think about it they must at some point have found it really interesting to make it their speciality.
    I am pleased you are home so very very pleased.
    I have changed the candle, well not changed it actually it left me with only a wick you were gone so long. I kept thinking I had completely lost my sense of smell with the new one then realised that its a boring old scentless one but the flame shines bright. Let me know what kind of smellie candles you like if indeed you do because I am sure If I get one you like the scent of it WILL lift your spirits. Also it may get rid of the &^%**&^% disgusting smell lingering in the house of blown up microwave which frankly is revolting, so you would be doing me a favour.
    I am thinking of you very often.

  9. I'm just glad I ain't the only girl with Dysautonomia whos colon and stomach gives her extra special presents! Keep it on with the over sharing some of us need to hear it!!! <3


All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx

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