"Should I go to the ED?" and other dumb questions I ask myself.

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Yesterday was a bad day. And a bad Bob day is not a day I would wish on anyone else. On reflection I should have gone straight to the ED. Hell, even today my vitals are probably still worthy of a check. But no, I sat (read: flopped, clutching my chest, going a delightful shade of grey) on my couch and ummed and ahhed about going to the ED.

Why oh why do I do that? If anyone else told me their heart rate had dropped to 40 and their diastolic had jumped up to 113, I'd be straight onto 000 calling an ambulance. The fact that this didn't change in the slightest for about 2hrs was still not a reason for me to head into the ED. At this point even I can hear the lyrics to Smash Mouth's, Allstar...

She was looking kind of dumd with her finger and her thumb. 

In the shape of an "L" on her forehead.

...playing in my mind.

And it is stupid. I can admit that today. Yesterday, not so much. Oh sure there was that little voice screaming at me to go straight in but I silenced that quickly with a big ball-gag of denial. Instead I rode it out. I drank my body weight in fluids, wept a couple of tears in the privacy of my bedroom, and deluded myself that getting my heart rate back up into the mid 50s meant I had over-reacted earlier.

Someone once told me the world is gonna roll me

I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed.

The conversation in my head went something like this:

It's just a dip. The switch will go off and it'll stabalise. Okay so it's going on a bit longer than I expected. But it does that every now and then. I'll see if anyone has any tips on Facebook. I know everyone is saying go to the ED but I'll give it just a bit longer. Hmm that chest pain's a bit intense. Wish my neck and left shoulder weren't aching so much. Probably just a strain though. I'm obviously over-analysing things. Maybe I should give my inlaws a heads up that I may need to go in? But I know they'll worry. I can't deal with worry. I'll just keep and eye on it. Damn I feel crap, but sure as eggs I head into the ED it'll start to go up and they'll look at me like a hypochondriac. Plus the wait. Ugh. I hate the wait. Plus the germs from all the other sickies in there. I don't need another infection.  I'll just wait it out. Damn heart just stop with this stupid pain business. Ooo look my heart rate has nearly hit 50 I'm improving! No point going in now. Anyway, I really don't want to go through the whole explanation thing AGAIN. The hassle of the ED just isn't worth it. How do I explain that my normal is abnormal or that my abnormal looks normal? Or that there is a huge difference between lying and standing obs? Might as well try and hold an octopus into a string bag. It's just as futile. 50's not bad anyway. I've had worse. And my cardio is on holidays so they can't call her. Plus Mr Grumpy's away and the kids need to get to school. And the dogs will go ballistic alone in the house all day. I can't afford to stay overnight if they do find something. It just wont work. Too much hassle. I'll just drink some more and maybe sleep for a while....Look I made it through the night. I OBVIOUSLY didn't need to go into the ED after all. Harden up, Princess. Bloody drama queen.

Yes. The dumb is strong in this one.

But that's how it works in this deranged old mind of mine.

When you are sick 24/7 your idea of what is ED worthy becomes skewed. My everyday health especially my heart rate and blood pressure would send average healthy folk running to the ED. Basically, I live in 000 (the emergency number here in Oz) territory 24/7. If I went every time it bottomed out or went too high, or I lost feeling somewhere, or it felt like someone was forcing a railway spike through my head, or any of the other daily crap I deal with, I might as well just set up a little camp site in a corner of the waiting room as I'd simply never leave. Overtime it's become harder and harder to discern just when I should worry. Even talking to my cardio about this very issue a while back, she was hard pressed to give me guidelines as to when I really should go into the ED. And stupidly I always think of the ED as a place for people who are really sick, not when your sick is just an extreme of your normal sick (I really need to be studied for my high level of stupidity).

Add in that a trip to the ED is also a crap shoot. The chance of getting a doctor who understands, let alone has heard of your condition is slim. Trying to explain the complexities of your health and why the vitals or bloods they are getting aren't good is often an exercise in futility. Will they believe you? Will they call for a psych consult? Will I even be in a fit state to articulate any of it. Lets face it EDs aren't designed for complex conditions. If it bleeds or it's broken they are great, but when your needs are complex it can become a nightmare. I do respect those who work in the ER. It's not a job I'd want. Having a sister who used to be an ED NUM I know only too well what she has put up with over the years. And I understand I am complex. I still remember the look on the poor registrars face when I did my last disc and she was asking me about the sensation in my leg. Widespread neuropathy does make it a little hard to assess. Needless to say she ran off to confer with the consultant a bazillion times. In reality it's hard work on both sides of that breezy hospital gown. But all of it ends up with me preferring to dig my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon than go to the ED for treatment.

Add in the responsibilities of children and families and all that malarky, and I end up with a conversation of stupidity running through my mind every time.

Plus I'm tired. Really, really tired of this sick business. I actually can't recall the last time that I felt well. I can't recall when I didn't hurt, or feel nauseous, or dizzy or all the rest. And that kinda sucks. And I am over doctors and tests and all the other medical paraphernalia that you have to deal with when you are living with a complex chronic condition. Makes me a bad patient and my own worst enemy at times.

Now if ED doctor's looked and sounded like Dr Kovac on ER (does that show my age?) well I may just change my mind about ED visits. Because even a crappy "it's all in your head" would almost be worth it spoken in his delicious accent. Maybe I could put that in the hospital suggestion box?

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Back to bed I go.
Michelle :)

Given how extra exhausted and brain deficient I've been the last few weeks, maybe month, I do now wonder if I am living more in Bradycardia. I don't usually take my readings unless I'm particularly crap or something changes so not sure. May be time for some more regular readings.