When the demons whisper.

(source)

I still apologise. I don't know why. Or maybe I do. I'm not sure I want to confront the reasons why. I'm not sure if I want to strip myself bare. And truly examine my internal dialogue.

Yesterday I found myself once again apologising. Whilst bent in two and hoping against hope that I could hold on long enough to find a public loo. Trying not to put extra pressure on my husband as he tried to both press through the traffic as quickly as possible whilst also adhering to road laws. I didn't see much of the trip as my head was on my knees and all my energy was turned towards avoiding vomiting in the car. As he wheeled me into the shopping centre I was still apologising. When I finally made it out I apologised again.

I heard his reply.

You don't have to apologise.

I heard it each time. Yet I kept on apologising.

There's a part of me that feels like I've failed him. That I'm not the woman he married. That our life isn't what he expected.

I mentioned the other day that he was my carer. He hadn't even thought of our relationship that way.

But I had.

Burden.

That's the word that flashes into my head on the days where again I am begging for him to find a toilet, or when I say we have to go because I can feel my body slowly collapse, or I send him to a BBQ alone while I lie on the tiles of our bathroom.

I don't need for him to say it. I feel it everyday. I feel it every cancelled event. I feel it every day I can't prepare a meal. I feel it everyday another medical bill comes through. I feel it when the great unsaid raises it's head. Our finances are screwed over by my illness and all it has drained from us over the last eight years. I feel it every time I have to say

Not tonight.

I apologise because I feel he deserves better. I apologise because I am so reliant. I apologise because I can't be the wife I want to be.

I apologise for the distance that takes up residence on the days where dealing with the challenges of my body over-ride every other aspect of life.

I apologise for changing our life.

I apologise for broken promises.

I apologise for not being good enough.

I apologise for being.

The issue is mine I know. But I don't know how to change it. I want more for him. He deserves more.

So I'll apologise again.

And again.

And again.

Michelle