Christmas For One.

(source)

This year is going to be my first Christmas alone. Well not completely alone. It'll be me and the dogs, who are almost as demanding as people. But it's the first year that I have ever celebrated sans humans. Mr Grumpy and the boys are off to Queensland (QLD) to see my in-laws  Unfortunately, QLD and I, or more correctly, hot humid weather plus no AC and I, do not get along. Add in the travel factor and it's pretty much a non-starter for me. Surprisingly (well surprisingly to many), I am not overly concerned about being alone on Christmas, although my extended family are having minor strokes at the thought. Instead, I'm looking at it from a very positive slant. (I told my lovely phlebotomist today I was having a solo Christmas and week this year, and she was as equally excited, listing off all the fantastic benefits of being sans family, this is why I love her. Well that and the fact she can find my veins every time).

You see it's been many a year since we've been up to QLD thanks to my health issues and that's where all Mr Grumpy's family hail from. After much nagging encouraging on my behalf, he finally booked tickets for himself and the boys to head up there for the week. Here's hoping they enjoy themselves.

Why am I am glad they are going? It's simple. They need a break. A break from me and the stress of organising their lives around my health issues. They need to be free of being carers for their decrepit wife and mother. They need a chance to just relax. I want that for them. I want my youngest to swim to his hearts content. I want my eldest to have his first beer with his uncle. I want Mr Grumpy to flake out in front of the TV and watch the Boxing Day Test. I want them to go out for tea if they want, free of worrying about whether I can attend, or if I'll be able to eat anything on the menu. I want them to head out to the beach or for an ice cream. I want them to have normal for a while. I want them to be free of the stress of me, even if only for a week.

It's not to say I am a constant burden. I don't need my hand held everyday or need someone to scrub my back in the shower (although I know Mr Grumpy would be up for that one!) But I know that I, and my health, are a constant unspoken presence that plays in the back of their minds. They need a break from that, and I want it for them.

Personally, I am looking forward to be alone. I know that sounds weird. But everything I do in life, I now do accompanied. I don't go to the shops or even the post office alone. It's never just me. As someone who valued their independence, always needing a hand holder can be claustrophobic at times. It's got nothing to do with the person holding my hand. I am grateful every day that I have a family who support me as I know there are many who are doing this very much alone. But some days I could scream from frustration at not being able to do regular every day activities alone. I am a 39-year-old woman who needs someone to take her to the doctor or the hairdresser, or to simply look at clothes at a local boutique. I feel a burden. I can't relax as I feel like I am wasting their time, even though I know they don't think of it in that way. But my own guilt is a powerful force and it often gets in the way of reason.

A week by myself means that not only am I not inconveniencing anyone else, but I can do things when I want. If I want to have breakfast at midday or dinner at 10pm I can. I can watch the carols without the constant commentary and whinging from the peanut gallery. If I need to sleep I can, safe in the knowledge that I don't have to be organising meals or doing loads of washing. If I want to pot a plant, or paint a picture or watch crap TV I can without having to worry about saving up enough energy to organise family chores like food. I can eat chocolate cake for breakfast or subsist on only ham and turkey for a week and it wont bother anyone. I can swan around in my undies if it's hot or play my apparently annoying music as loud as I want. I may not leave the house for the week as I am still unable to drive more than about 5minutes, but there is a freedom involved that is hard to explain unless you are chronically ill and dependent on others.

The Christmas aspect is kind of a side issue in comparison. Though not cooking the huge Christmas meal and having to put on my happy face whilst I can feel my body dying on the inside, for the extended family, will be lovely. Having to maintain my cool to assuage the fears of others is a burden I wont miss. No doubt on the day I will miss Mr Grumpy and the boys, and I reserve the irrational right to get shitty that they are out to dinner at a restaurant, but knowing they are having a great and relaxing time away will make up for that ten fold. Plus, I can always binge on chocolate to soothe any sookiness. And the dogs aren't going to judge me as I sit as a blubbering mess surrounded by empty chocolate boxes. (Not that this is my plan. I intend to be relaxing and enjoying myself, but it's always good to have a caveat in there somewhere).

I have my food worked out. There is to be duck and turkey and ham. There is to be seafood. I am even thinking of taking the risk and making a mojito or a margarita. I have planned my GF chocolate cake/pudding substitute. Because it is all about the food. I wonder if I can teach Thor to pull a cracker?

My emergency plans are sorted, both health and bushfire.

I can't wait to hermit it for a week.

Now if I can keep my parents from freaking out and landing on my doorstep it should all be good. I have been firm, but it seems they are having trouble with understanding that I want some me time or that I am fine about being alone. Yet again it is only Mr Grumpy and the boys who get it, and get me. Maybe I can get him to sit them down and have the talk.

Here's wishing everyone a merry and joyous Christmas. May you have a symptom minimal day and have nothing but love, laughter and happiness.

Merry Christmas from the Land down Under.

(source: news.com.au)

Cheers
Michelle :)

PS I will be having a bit of a blogging/social media break for a few weeks. Time to sit back and smell the roses. Should be back mid-January.

And a little Australian Christmas Tune from the fabulous Paul Kelly.

How to be alone: Day 16 #NHBPM

"What about day 15?" I hear you say. Well Day 15 went past in a blur of "OMG I really don't feel right!" complete with numb face and rapidly greying vision* followed by waking up on the couch 3hrs later with a drool covered pillow stuck to my face. Sexy, no? Needless to say blogging went out the window in favour of wallowing in self-pity and being rockingly incoherent.

But I'm back baby. Tapping away for Day 16 like yesterday never happened.

Today's topic is easy.

Use a picture or video to inspire a post.

I have loved this video by filmaker, Andrea Dorfman, and poet/singer/songwriter, Tanya Davis, since I first saw it a few years ago.


 I have always been comfortable with my own company. In fact, I find I relax much better when by myself than with others. I like the time to clear my head and just be. I've been that way ever since I was a child. I was just as content, if not more, to sit by myself watching the Saturday afternoon classic movies on TV or immersing myself in a book, than out with others. I've always felt a little on the outer when I'm with other people. As if I somehow missed the secret code of fitting in, that innate shorthand of being in a group, which everyone else seemed to have mastered.

Overtime I grew to enjoy being by myself. Even pre-sick I would happily go to a movie by myself or drive into the city and go to the galleries or wander around the city laneways (Melbourne city laneways are amazing and well worth a look if you ever get the chance) for hours. I like losing myself in places and have always lived more in my head than in the real world. There is an ease, or maybe comfort, in my own company. Alone I can truly appreciate the world around me and/or immerse myself completely in an activity. And now when often there is no choice but to be by myself, I truly appreciate that comfort.

But I know for a lot of people being alone is hard. Sadly, when illness enters your life, particularly one that is chronic, many people find themselves unexpectedly alone. Initially, people are keen to help and support, but as time passes and you remain ill people tend to drift away and you find yourself spending lengthy periods of time alone.

Often even the closest of friends and family stop calling or dropping by. Illness means you can't participate in the regular aspects of life. Spontaneous social engagements are difficult when you have to plan in elements like rest and medications. Pain, weakness and fatigue don't work on a schedule. Regular social engagements may become beyond your abilities. You may have to cancel events at the last minute or leave after 10 minutes. Friends and family stop asking you to go out and illness can become a lonely road.

Learning to be alone is imperative to managing and coping with illness. But it can be a hard skill to master, especially if you are someone who thrives being with others. Even having been comfortable being alone before I became ill, I do get lonely at times. Because we all need the comfort of connecting to another human being at some point.

But it is not just the physical presence of other people. It is possible to feel very alone even when surrounded by a room full of other people. A life with chronic illness has it's own unique set of issues, emotions, and events. When you are with others who aren't ill and they are discussing their lives at work, their kids, the latest movies they've seen, the regular events of life, you can feel like the odd woman out. There is a disconnect that can be hard to move past.

Yes we can connect with others who understand thanks to social media, but you still need to master the skill of being alone. Of being comfortable with your own company. I love that the video above says it can feel uncomfortable at first, but with time you can grow to love and appreciate being alone. It's not about avoiding other people or becoming a hermit (mind you, I could probably rock the hermit lifestyle) but more knowing it's okay to be alone and being able to cope when those times come. It's about discovering yourself and all the possibilities you never would find if you are always with others. Alone is not a dirty word or something to fear. It can be beautiful and desirable when you learn to appreciate all it can give.

Cheers
Michelle :)

*Just a little note for all the uninformed doctors who don't believe that you can pass out sitting down. I was sitting on my chaise lounge with my feet up when I went arse up. But it's okay if you don't believe that can happen as long as you don't mind that I don't believe that you have any idea what you're talking about.