Thursday, 28 February 2019

Tripping the light fantastic

[Image: a black night fills the screen. The only features are a walking stick light, Michelle's red stockinged legs and the hint of hands and the rest of her body.]

Hello. Is anyone still there? I wouldn't be surprised if I am typing into an empty corner of the aether. There's a load of media to consume and a recalcitrant and inconsistent blogger doesn't hold any attraction in the fast-paced onslaught online. But if you've stuck around, big love to you. If there's no one there and I'm chatting to myself that's equally okay. I write to discover myself and the world around me. And that's a worthy enough goal.

It's been a while since I last published a post here on the blog. Life has been busy, Summer the hottest on record (still in the middle of a heatwave even though Autumn technically starts tomorrow), my brain mush.

I've immersed myself in Instagram. Photos seem easier. Ideas and aesthetics conveyed quickly when the words aren't necessarily there for me to access. I published a less polished version of this today over on Instagram. Words came early this morning, while my hair sat askew thanks to a hastily pushed up sleeping mask and the dried remnants of Mestinon drool still covered my lips and cheeks. I've learnt to take them when they come, wherever they come. Will I find my words again when the weather finally turns and the air no longer burns and the last dust and smoke of this Summer's bushfires is finally banished from the house? I'm not sure. I hope so. But until then I'll take the little moments and hold them tight. 

The photo above was taken after a date night. I asked Mr Grumpy to stop on the way home. There's a dirt road tucked away between cow paddocks, where we sat at OMG o'clock and watched the lunar eclipse last year. One of the boons of rural life is that light pollution is greatly lessened, even on the edge of town. So you can muddle your way down an uneven line of dirt under the direction of headlights, turn off the car and take photos with your lit up walkingstick and bright red stockings. Then tuck away the photo until it spurs some cogitations.

*****

Tripping the light fantastic.
My brain at night is not my friend. Insomnia and rumination run rampant. All the things must be dissected at 3am, never 3pm when the sun is shining and the busy murmur of nature sends its soothing tone through my body.

Possums rattle across the roof. The odd moo echos across still paddocks to land softly on my pillow. Creaks and cracks sound as the house releases the breath it has held all day while the oppressive heat of the Summer sun beat down. I focus on tracing the path of the possum as it rattles across the roof. All the internal things create their own rattle and it can become difficult to maintain my focus on the soft patter and loud thumps of landings overhead.
I don’t have this thing called life worked out yet. I push and it pushes back.
I feel the pressure on my brain as I roll over and grab my phone to check the time. I squint and tilt my head in the hope that the light won’t set off my internal wake-up alarm.

3am.
Of course, it is.
I lie back and resettle my eye mask. Release my breath in time with the movement of embracing walls. The possum or perhaps a neighbourhood cat, unsettles a group of minors that reside in our chalk-dry guttering. Their alarmed chirps burst forth and stop almost as suddenly.

Focus on the nightlife. Focus on the natural world that continues on while the human world attempts sleep. Focus on the adventures above my head until that noise cancels out the looped cacophony in within. Focus on the light in the night that quiets my mind. Focus on the light, trip and stumble. Finding my way back, quicker and quicker as breath evens out and head moves to slumber. Borrowing the moonlight to chase away my shadows, until consciousness slips away. Michelle

4 comments:

  1. Adrenaline and insomnia - as Sinatra would croone out- ain't that a kick in the head...

    What a beast dysautonomia is

    Been wondering how you have been doing during the heat wave

    It is incredible how dysautonomia doesn't let you stand up when you want to and doesn't let you sleep when you need to. Coming off a week of nothing helping low blood pressure--- usually I have 45 minutes of being upright and then the numbers crash

    Hope you cool off soon. I got a hunters vest and stick it full of ice packs. It is great ice packs room all around my torso. They had a hot pink one at bass pro- oh the things that bring joy and happiness. Ice packs and compression garments...To think there was a time when I was told to tone down the wardrobe at work. I wonder if ice packs and compression pants would cut it...

    Well great hearing from you,

    You reach around the globe- who knew eh- Canada is pretty cool

    Hope your brain lets you turn off at night


    Corrine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah yes the ice vest. That has been my close friend this Summer. We are currently surrounded by bushfires and in a heatwave. It feels like Summer is refusing to end.

      I've found this Summer really tough and I've been ruthless in how I spend my limited energy. I am getting better at putting my self first for a change which has been a huge leap, well plus my body just saying Hell No!

      I am hoping that when Autumn finally turns up the words will flow easier.

      Delete
  2. That photo is amazing. Your writing is gorgeous.
    Thank you for sharing both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Em. The light my son put in my walking stick has been fabulous.

      Delete

All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx