The Dumbening

I feel like the dumb is strong of late. My brain simply isn't up to scratch. I'm not sure if it's the exhaustion, the lack of blood flow to my brain, medication effects or any of the other multitude of potential causes. I'm trying to avoid the 'it-could-indicate-a-worsening-of-things' line of thought, so we'll skip that one. But whatever the cause I feel like I'm walking around with a head full of cotton balls rather than a squidgy ball of grey matter.

I can pump out a blog post. Though the first draft looks like Freyja has jumped all over the keyboard. I can put up a FB status. I can even sort-of-kinda put up a photo on Instagram. But make me respond to something, a question, someone else's blog post, FB status etc, and it's crickets.

To try and fine the words to respond to an email in even a slightly coherent manner is getting harder. I read and re-read a paragraph in a message and still am left going, "Huh?" I go to respond and I'm having to go back and re-read the message again for the 80th time to make sure I understood. Then it's the hard part of putting the words together to make a response that doesn't sound like it has been created by Google Translate.

I'm finding it tough to deal with. Blogging is simply purging what is already in my mind. But responding takes understanding and active thinking. If something requires analytic thinking and response I might as well just put on my hat and head for home. It is exhausting and more often than not beyond me.

I want to respond to comments or statuses but instead sit staring at the monitor unable to put together a response.

So I find myself hibernating more.

I try to read a book and am exhausted and have forgotten half the text by the time I get to the end of the page. I know by the end of this post I will have forgotten how it started.

I hate, what I now call, The Dumbening.

I went to a writers workshop a couple of weeks ago. The idea was to talk about translating life to memoir with a focus on illness and disability. We were also asked to prepare a piece to bring in, read aloud and then have the groups critique it. And then The Dumbening hit and it went a little like this:

“Would anyone like to share?”

I sat there looking at my page of 12 Times New Roman and chickened out.

“Would anyone like to give feedback?”

Yes. But. Ugh. Words. Thoughts. What? Maybe I'll just slump back down into my chair and let everyone's words wash over me.

All through the reading I had thoughts. I'm sure they made sense back then. But already they are gone. Should I open my mouth and speak? Will it come out right? What was I thinking? Oh god, I'm just going to sound stupid. I have no idea. Just hide. Fade into the background. What am I doing here?

Concentrate. Concentrate. There you almost had it. There was almost a thought.

And that is how it goes now.

The Dumbening has hit and I am floundering. 

It's hard to communicate and participate in life when I can't respond to simple questions. It's makes me feel less. And I am very aware of how dull I sound. Conversation is worse. But now even written communication is getting hard. I have started to avoid things, and I hate that. My confidence has taken a beating. As has my sense of self. And some days it makes me want to crawl into a corner and howl.

I wish I knew the answer. I wish I could turn it around. But so far it's just another "you'll have to learn to live with it" moment. 

If my brain was functioning better I'd come up with a great description of my mental angst. But for now I can only give you a pithy,

IT SUCKS

Michelle

"Down by the seashore,
the waves are bigger then normal.
I asked you if I could flicker out,
you say "don't think so".
I just want you too believe.
Even though I know its impossible for me."