The Adventures of Bob and Dick.

".....and then he did a mould of her vagina!"  Not exactly the sort of thing you expect to hear when you're sitting in a little hospital courtyard sipping your illicit lemonade, but it made me both wince and giggle like a fool.  Which I'm pretty sure was her intention.  Because that's what she does.  She makes me laugh when it seems like there's nothing really to laugh about.  And she always knows exactly what it will take.  (Though, if discussing an art piece made entirely of plaster cast vaginas doesn't make you laugh you really have no sense of humour).

When I think back to that fateful day in 2008 when we first met I could never have imagined how important she would become to my life.  Who knew that developing Bob would lead to anything good?  And yet it did, and the fact that it was so unexpected makes it all the sweeter.

There we both were, in a small hospital gym, surrounded by a gaggle of grey-haired Franks and Merles.  The only two patients in the room who didn't have first had knowledge of the Great Depression.  We bonded over illness, over an upturned life, over a love of Johnny Depp, and being hit on by sleazy elderly Lotharios.

She knows only too well the world of doctors and sickness.  She's faced it head on, and left me in awe of her determination and courage.  And even during those times, she reached out to me, and to others.  Her generous heart and giving spirit always in evidence.

She is an expert at taking my mind off being sick.  It's often only after she leaves and my heart feels lighter and my cheeks hurt from laughing, that I realise what she's done.  In many ways it's not even that she stops me from feeling like the sick person, instead the sickness becomes irrelevant and she reminds me that I'm still here.

I know I am lucky to have found a kindred spirit with a wicked sense of humour.  Someone who understands what being ill, and the baggage that comes with it, means.  Someone who simply gets it.  But most of all, I know I am lucky because I found a true friend.

I don't know if there are any words to adequately describe what her friendship has meant to me over the last few years. I know I have struggled writing this post more than most.  And I know these few barely touch the surface.

But I am proud to call her my friend, and even happier that she calls me hers.

Happy birthday Kerri.

Michelle :)

The Great Escape

Just another quick post to let everyone know I'm out of hospital and back home.  Unfortunately, my plan to have a fully functioning gut and butthole was simply a flight of fancy and I am still sick as a dog.  (My plan to be ANTMs oldest, most wrinkled supermodel, is however going a treat, and I may be just a kilo or two off rocking skeletal chic).

It has really been quite an eventful time in my life, thanks to Bob's fickle nature. Highlights have included:

• I did win a battle of wits with Nurse Ratched (I will have my lemonade biatch!).  
• I've been violated yet again, by a suspiciously cheerful man with a variety of snake like cameras.  
• And have reported on the frequency, shape, size, consistency, colour and odour of my excretions to every person within a five mile radius of my hospital room.  

Ah dignity, I feel I may have misplaced you somewhere between the thumb-sized poo collection jar of stupidity and having to brace for a surprise enema.

"How many times can this woman talk about her busted gut and her need for special ed classes to learn how to poo?", I hear you ask.  Well many many times apparently.  Lucky you, dear reader.

Actually, what's even luckier is that my piss poor excuse for a body continues to fall apart at the seams so I am too exhausted to do much of a post (or breathe, or stand, or shower, or....), so you'll have to wait for the next episode in the exciting adventures of my bowel.

I will leave you with a fabulous post from one truly lovely Elly Lou of BugginWord fame who made my day by dedicating her weekly uke tune to me.  I may have alternately laughed hysterically and sobbed uncontrollably throughout, but mostly it just made me smile.  (PS I am also happy to take that bottle of wine, I'll even wait to share till after Paul's arrival, MFBT baby :))



A huge thank you to everyone who has commented, emailed, tweeted and FBed me over the past few weeks.  It means more than you could know, and has helped to keep me smiling through what I will have to admit has been and continues to be, a rather rough patch on many levels.

Michelle :)

The Machine That Goes Ping

Just a quicky to let you all know I've been admitted to hospital so probably wont be on here for a while.  I have attempted to do a delayed post, actually tried it before admission, so that may or may not come up.  Bob has kicked my butt big time.  At this point not sure when I'll have my freedom again.  At least I'm on day 3 of continuous fluids so I feel a little more alive.  Though having the machine that goes ping go off all through the night if I bend my arm is not conducive to rest.  Fingers crossed I'll be out in a few days, with some answers and solutions.

Till then, take it easy.
Michelle

The only way is up.

Well turns out my gastro was so atypical, it's not even gastro.  (Sigh).  Yep, once more even the vaguest trace of normal slips through my fingers.   It seems that Bob has dreams of world domination and my gut is Poland.  Joys.

Who knew there would be a time in my life where I would wish I had a bunch of rancid bugs having a rave in my lower imtestine?  Not me.  But there you go.  The fun times just never end.

So yet again I am discussing my bowel habits with various members of the medical profession.  Yet again there are more specialist appointments to be organised.  Yet again there are more tests.

It seems that uberneuro was right about the whole progressive thing.  Only by 'progressive' it appears he meant 'faster than a speeding bullet'.

So now I have more tablets to take.  More time to waste.  More checking in with my doctors to discuss my poo in great detail.  Daily conversations about the the consistency, shape and odour of my excretions.  Something to look forward to I'm sure.  I know they're just as excited as I am.  At least they get paid for the pleasure.

So my plan for now is watching re-runs of 30 Rock whilst sucking down Hydrolite popsicles, which taste suspiciously like Tang.  Luckily the new tabs also make you sleepy, BONUS!  Given the first one left me comatosed on the couch for a few hours, only to wake up to Mr G and the eldest rug rat eating dinner next to me, it looks like a snoozefest is on the cards for the next few days.

But really, if things don't pick up soon I may have to break out the big guns, otherwise known as, 80's Power Ballads.   So if you hear the first strains of I Want to Know What Love Is, or even worse, I've Never Been To Me, you'll know that the shit really has hit the fan.

Thanks to everyone for their well wishes, they are greatly appreciated.  I'm sending you all big cyber hugs and air kisses.

Michelle

Update:  Always read the small print: "medication may lower blood pressure and cause rapid heart beat".  So shortly after taking its already:

Yep feeling better already.  #@!$%^&*%$#@!!

Okay I may just need one hit of 80s magic to make it through the day.  

Self Compassion.

Now if only I could work out how to pick a better picture as the still.

Michelle :)

Atypical aka WTF?

Just once I'd like my bodily fluids to be normal.  Is that too much to ask?  I didn't think so, but apparently the universe has other ideas.  Because my recent mucus adventures obviously weren't enough fun.  (I think I hate you universe).  Atypical gastro.  Yes, that's right.  Atypical fricken gastro.  Because apparently I can't even get the shits like normal people.

Not that I really know what that means.  Not that I really think my GP knows what that means.  But fingers crossed that the poor unfortunate at the path lab who has to grow my poo bugs will know what that means.    Good lord, I hope he's wearing one of those yellow suits from Outbreak, before he pops the lid on that container.

But I'm looking for silver linings, I really am.  Lets see.

For once I do look sick, according to Mr Grumpy.  So I guess that's something.  Mind you I never really thought of gastro as fitting into the Super Model disease group like Bob.  Something about exploding bodily fluids doesn't exactly scream beauty.

And I have lost those pesky pounds, plus a few, and I didn't even have to go to a single Jenny Craig meeting.  Though that could stop right about now.  7kg down in a little under a week not so good for symptom management and I'm pretty sure I could have just tossed my meds straight into the loo rather than bothering with trying to down them.  But at this rate I'm a shoe in for ANTM, well apart from being an old fart and all.

I got to freak out my GP, which I always enjoy, by having no peripheral pulse.  Though she could get one from the weirdly spasming blood vessel in my stomach that she could both see and feel.  A first for her apparently.

I didn't even feel the large needle in my bum to stop vomiting.  Go the power of SNAFU.

I also managed to gross out my eldest son, again something I enjoy immensely, by pointing out that there was a bag with my foul poo in it, sitting right next to him as he drove me to pathology.   

I haven't had to cook, which is really a bonus all round, as no one wants a gastro-infested woman touching their potatoes.

See silver linings and all that jazz. 

Now if only I could work out how to stop water working like a laxative I'd be pretty happy.  And real food would be nice.  But, that just sounds picky.

So I'll crawl back under my doona and cuddle my pillow, and think about how in a few days I'm sure to get a gig on ANTM.

Michelle

And because show tunes always make me happy.

One day.

There was a thread on one of the Bob forums I read, that posed the question, " If you could be given ONE day without dysautonomia, what would you do?" It's the sickie equivalent of "what would you do if you won lotto?" but with more answers relating to number twos than holidays to Europe.

It's not really a question that I have thought about, especially not in recent years.  Initially, I was still viewing the world through delusional rose-coloured glasses which told me that recovery was a possibility.  Now, I'm resigned to the fact that it's not going to get better, and, after my Uberneuro visit, that my current state should be viewed as my glory days, as its only going to get worse.  Good lord, that sounds so doom and gloom.  And frankly I'm not ready to process, let alone write about that in any deep and mature fashion.  Bring back denial dammit, it's my favourite of all the coping mechanisms.

Going to my happy place.  

Going to my happy place.  

Going to my happy place.

Ahhhh.......happy place.

Where were we?

It's actually taken me a while to think about what I would do with a day of complete health.  Part of me feels like I should say that I would spend it doing things with my family, because that is the PC answer these days.  Not knocking those for who that is their hearts desire, but for me I'd be lying.  I love my family, I do, but I focus every available shred of energy on them, every day.  Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge that in any way.  I do it by choice and because I love them.  But should that one day ever arrive I have other plans. 

I would be independent Michelle once more.

I would put on my Dorothy Shoes and favourite green dress, and head into the city.

I would drive the whole 45mins, by myself.

I wouldn't plan for loo or puke stops.  I wouldn't worry that I would get into town and have to turn back.  I would drive without considering any of those issues.

I would wander up and down the many arcades in the CBD, in my inappropriate footware.  

I would savour every blister and would love that initial painful surge of blood back into my feet, when I removed them at the end of the day.

I would try on overly priced clothes in the boutiques.

I would take time to enjoy the beauty of the Block Arcade.

I would sit in a little cafe in an alleyway, drinking hot, rich espressos, and simple watch the world go by.

I would eat tapas and slices of wondrously rich cakes.

I would walk to the gallery and wander through the exhibits.

I would stand on the Prince's Bridge over the Yarra River and watch the boats float by.

I would enjoy the hustle and the bustle, the smells, and sounds of the city.  

I would walk down to China Town and eat Yum Cha and marvel at the glorious golden ducks hanging in the windows.

I would lie, flat on my back, in the Botanic Gardens and watch the clouds scoot over head.

I would have small talk with the lady in line at the coffee stand.  The weather, the crowds, who will win the footy.  No talk of canes or illness.

I would sit in St Paul's Cathedral and soak in the silence, a world removed from the city sounds that surround it.

I would sit in a little restaurant in Collins St.  Eating a meal composed completely of entrees.  My table close to the window to watch the people and the lights roll past.

I would watch the seagulls fly around the spire of The Arts Centre, deluded by the bright lights to think it was still day.

I would stand in front of Her Majesty's Theater and marvel at her beauty in the soft glow of the lights.

I would wander back to my car, my step light and my heart full.

I would drive myself home inhaling the beauty of the string of tail lights strung out before me.

I would open up the windows and let the cool air rush in and tangle my hair.

I would skip up the steps at home, two at a time.

I would snuggle on the couch with my kids and my husband and tell them about my day.

And I would breathe.

I would be normal.

I would just be.

That would be my perfect day.  

No contingencies. No sickness. No dependence.

That's what I would do with my one day.  What would you do with yours?

Cheers

Michelle :)

 

The View From My Couch: Daphne

It's a miserable Winter's day here in Melbourne.  Even loving Winter, there are times when I am simply over our squelching driveway.  When receiving a face full of icy water when the wind catches one of the fern fronds is no longer humourous, or refreshing.  We are in the true heart of Winter.  When the house will no longer truly heat up, and the crispness of the air takes your breath away.  Even our randy and raucous possums are less likely to bash across our icy roof top at night.  Instead, taking their nocturnal frolicking to the warmer realm of our roof space.

I still enjoy the ethereal beauty of the thick fogs that smother sound and shrink the world.  Even yesterday driving home on our windy hills roads and not being able to see the bonnet of the car, was more adventure, than annoyance.  The hills take on an otherworldly beauty in Winter that I would never change.  But wet, chilly days, day after day, and a back yard that is now a bog, does wear on the nerves.

Just as I was ruing the mud that seeped up through my thongs yet again this morning, I caught a whiff of perfume.  Over near our bins, of all places, we have a variegated daphne bush.  It's a resilient little bugger.  It is surrounded by weeds and smelly bins.  It is frequently hit by boxes and bin bags swung by pouting children who feel that bin duty is below them.  It has been chewed on my possums and swallowed by vicious blackberry canes. Yet here, in the midst of this wasteland and a miserable Winter's day, it has flowered.  It's sweet perfume is caught on the wind, and seeps peace into your pours.  It's a smell of my childhood.  Up there with the jonquils and freesias of my grandmother's garden.

Now a little piece sits on top of my cabinet.  The strength of the perfume, incongruous with a bloom so tiny.  Yet the fragrance fills the room.  And I sit in my lounge room, breathing in the sweetness, looking out the window at the mist and damp boughs, and Winter seems wonderful again.

Michelle :)

And the Winner is.............

I will have to say I've been overwhelmed with the large number of entries and lovely comments for one little pair of Dorothy shoes.  I may teared up a little reading them, or it may just be that pesky hay fever affecting my eyeballs again.  I'm pretty sure I saw some mould spores in my shower so I'm blaming those, okay.

Anyhoo, it has become clear that glittery red heels are the source of all happiness in the world.  They are beloved by all, and coveted by many.  Personally, I think they should be prescribed to everyone.  Not just let them eat cake (although that is a lovely thought, particularly a large rich mud cake), but also Dorothy Shoes for every man, woman, and child on the planet.  And then everyone would be filled with love and joy and we'd all dance instead of walk.  This is obviously the answer to world peace, I'll have to give the UN a call.

I will say I have amused myself making up the entries and thinking through possible ways to do the draw.  My eldest was very impressed with the half hour we spent in the craft store deciding between feathers and little wooden pegs.  I'm sure he told all his friends about our exciting outing.  He was even more impressed with my desire to involve the dogs in the draw.  I am now officially the Crazy Cat Lady, but with dogs.

I wish I could send everyone a pair, but alas I could only pick one winner.

I like my entries.  I don't care how much my loved ones shake their heads.

Thor was equally impressed with being chosen to pick the winner.

And all that training, and mutilated feathers, has paid off as Thor the wonder dog, carefully selects one entry.

 In fact, he was so excited that he needed a little lie down after.


And the winner is..............

 Or as it looked after Freyja broke in, nabbed the entry off the floor, ran off and tried to eat it.

This is why Freyja was not involved in the selection process.

Big Congratulations to Em of

I'm Confused (and a Tad Nauseous).

So Em, email me (in the contacts tab above) and let me know your UK size and heel preference, and a little box of glittery magic will be winging it's way across the pond to your door.

Big thanks to everyone who entered.  Best blog birthday ever.

Cheers
Michelle :)

OMG its a Giveaway!!!!

This little old blog of mine has almost reached a milestone, it will soon be two-years-old.  It's a very exciting time as I never thought I'd still have anything to write about two years down the track.   Between my apathy, lack of follow through and difficulty in coordinating breathing and.....well anything, it's amazing that it manged to get past the first sad little post.

I've been racking what little is left of my brain for an appropriate way to celebrate.  I considered chugging margaritas, dancing on the inside, face planting in a large soft mud cake, or, even doing a streak through the lines of shrieking fans outside the opening night of the new Harry Potter movie.  Now whilst a medicinal margarita and a cake of the chocolate persuasion are highly likely, I thought it would be nice to give a little something back to the lovely bunch of readers that have stuck by me despite my obviously increasing insanity.

It's GIVEAWAY time!!!!!!!

I've thought long and hard about what would be an appropriate prize for such an auspicious occasion and such discerning readers.  Of all my posts, there is one that stands out for the joy it seemed to give others.  Even a year later I'm still getting comments, both here and on FB.  I also love my shoes even though I am unable to walk in them.  Just to glimpse their glittery goodness out of the corner of my eye brings me great happiness.  And, as the more astute of you may have noticed, a picture from that post now adorns my header.

My tutorial on making Dorothy Shoes unearthed a desire that seems to have lain hidden in the hearts of women (and not a few men) the world over.  Glittery red shoes are the path to true happiness.  There is magic in them there shoes, and that magic must be shared.

*I also find it highly entertaining that my little post which contains information about unicorn farts has ended up on the Vogue forums.

Hello my pretties.

So in honour of that one little post and those glittery shoes of goodness.

I am giving away 

a pair of Dorothy Shoes 

to one lucky reader.

I know it's hard, but try and contain your excitement people.  Glitter fever is quite overwhelming, and frequently contagious.

And just think you too could be a crazy woman doing Blue Steel impersonations in her backyard.

To Enter:

All you have to do is leave a comment here on the post.
This giveaway is open to all readers, both here in Australia and overseas.
Feel free to Tweet or Facebook the competition to anyone.
If you happen to choose to 'Follow' the blog over on the side, or 'like' the FB page I'll even give you an extra entry (just make sure you let me know, brain challenged remember and I don't want anyone to miss out on an extra entry).

Entries close Midnight Sunday 17th July 2011 and the winner will be announced on the Tuesday.

***ENTRIES NOW CLOSED***

The shoes can be made in either the traditional high heel, or in flats.  They will be made to the winners size and choice of heel height.

So enter away people the magic of the glittery Dorothy Shoes of Goodness needs to be shared.

Cheers
Michelle :)

PS Thanks for all the well wishes during my recent tussle with the flu.  I think the delightful phlegm cement is finally starting to move off my lungs and I am hoping to attempt a full day out of bed in the next few days.  Brain may take a bit longer to de-fog as evidenced by my recent new phone debarkle.

Me: "It says that the temp is going to be 11 to 32, that can't be right?"
Youngest: "No Mum, that's the time".
Me: "Oh".
Youngest: walks away shaking head at my growing stupidity.

One step closer to the use of safety scissors. Sigh.

No this song doesn't really have anything to do with the post, well unless you like shoes a little too much. Not judging......much.  It's just an old favourite and it's my birthday, so there.