Friday, 14 August 2009

Doctor, Doctor Give me the News.

Doctor, Doctor give me the news
I have a bad case of loathing you
(Sorry Robert Palmer, forgive my rewrite but your original just didn't fit with the mood).

Thanks to Bob I am well acquainted with the numerous doctors in my region. I'm not talking about cardiologists and neurologists, I'm talking about the alternative doctors (quite often strangers or acquaintances) who have marvellous medical expertise gained through years of watching ER, House and Chicago Hope or attending a yoga retreat for 2 days in 1987. These individuals are eager to share their years of experience, to tell you exactly how you "should" treat Bob and chastise you for your wicked ways which have led to Bob's arrival and continuing visit. What is particularly lovely is that they know you are too shy to ask their advice so they volunteer it freely. Such selfless, caring, sharing individuals.

These doctors have inspired me and I too will put my own "expert" knowledge into the ether. I believe there are a multitude of alternative therapies that can help mange Bob. Here are two of my no fail favourite therapies.

1. Johnnius Deppus (common name: Johnny Depp, native to the US but now found commonly in France).

Johnnius Deppus is a very potent medicine known to have incredible effects on mood and general well being. It comes in many forms, from the high school undercover police officer variety (popular in the 1980's), to the Keith Richard's inspired pirate variety (popular in the 2000's). Solid empirical evidence exists for the use of Johnnius Deppus in the treatment of Bob and a variety of other ailments. It is noted to be particularly useful amongst females aged 0-120. It has been demonstrated that even 5 mins exposure (Ils se marièrent et eurent beaucoup d'enfants, variety) to Johnnius Deppus results in elevated feelings of well being. Bradus Pittus and Georgus Cloonus are sometimes substituted, but the effects are not as long lasting, and Johnnius Deppius remains the gold standard treatment for Bob. Of late there has been a move towards the newly discovered Robertus Patternsonus and Zacus Efronnus but little longintudinal data is available about either of these medicines and current data suggests they are little better than a placebo and have no long lasting effects. Doctors recommend the application of 2-3hrs of Johnnius Deppus especially when Bob symptoms confine a patient to a couch or bed. Frequent doses of Johnnius Deppus throughout the weeks can be also be effective as a preventative measure.

2. Chocolate. (The greatest contribution to mankind ever. Manna from Heaven).

The magical dark glossy bean from South America is the panacea for all ills. It can be consumed as a liquid or a solid, or that sensual, squishy in between stage where it coats your entire mouth and tongue in chocolaty goodness (my personal favourite). Chocolate can be consumed anywhere and at any time. You don't need to stand to eat chocolate, in fact its better to enjoy the exquisite naughtiness of eating it whilst lying in bed. It is therefore designed for the treatment of Bob. Whilst there is a chorus of heathen nay sayers who deny the healing qualities of chocolate due to pesky fat content, they need to remember the following it contains potassium and antioxidants, all good for you. In fact more has to be better, it's only common sense. Whilst chocolate can be diluted with nuts or fruit or caramel (insert Homeresk drooling) there is nothing better than the pure, rich, glossy, dark original (fair trade and organic of course). The medicinal effects of chocolate are magnified when combined with a large dose of Johnnius Deppus. If Bob is being particularly troublesome it is recommended that Johnnius Deppus be consumed in the form of Chocolat whilst consuming Lindt, 70% or greater cocoa.The effects of both Johnnius Deppus and chocolate are increased exponentially if this medicinal regime is undertaken with friends.

Now these are alternative therapies I can use.

This blog is dedicated to all the "medical experts" in my life. In particular, the weird old guy and his wife from my cardiophysio class who decided that I "should" see their homeopath/healer and badgered me every physio class, brought me referrals every week and repeatedly demanded to know why I hadn't been! Yes I am sure that if a eat some garden weed I can't pronounce, rub eye of newt in my left ear, stick a crystal blessed by the moon goddess of Upwey (otherwise known as Beryl from up the street) up my arse, whilst spinning anti-clockwise, baying at the moon, flapping my arms, in all my nude glory (did these people think of the effect this may have on my elderly neighbour), I will be well once more. Thank you so much, I will pass it onto my cardiologist when we next meet.

Cheers

Dr Michelle :)

(Yes I do believe in alternative therapies (love my yoga) but I do not believe in those who give you unsolicited advice that you "should/must" do, and get angry with you when you don't agree and they have no idea what is actually medically wrong with you. In the words of my bud Kerri, "how about you go and think yourself not bald then come back and we'll chat!).

4 comments:

  1. )i just commented on an older post, while signed into wrong accoung.

    anways. i get the "you should/have to" have a hystorectomy. by people thinking it is the cure-all for my issues when i know very well it isnt always. and yet i am told this every single time i tlak to some people. along with a gult trip along the lines of "well if you dont want wan, it must be because you enjoy being in pain/unable to work/ ext." ARG!

    i made a huge blog rant about that a while back that i am just hopeing some of those people read.

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  2. LOL yep! I have a lot of strangers / medical experts in my life too.

    I too love chocolate, and any movie distraction can help at times. I also recommend movies where the female lead is kicking butt - it helps to imagine them fighting your ailment for you ;)

    alternative therapies can be great - but don't always work for everyone. and I like to tell herbalists that herbs are simply unrefined, untested pharmaceuticals. that gets to them. LOL

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  3. Oh yeah Niqi, bugger the chick flick, box of tissues movies. Kick butt women or a bit of eye candy works every time.

    Hey there Canadian Pain. I think people also don't realise that what works for one person doesn't work for everyone. As a fellow endometriosis sufferer I know it is different for every person. Hell some women don't even know they have it till they try to have kids, talk about extremes. I did have a hysterectomy (when I was 25) but it was the right time for me and I had a great surgeon who kept my ovaries so no menopause yet. It's not right for everyone and it's not the easy answer. Once it's gone that's it there ain't no going back. Because I was so young I had the opposite with people telling me I was stupid for getting it done, but they didn't have the excruciating pain and months of bleeding, hell I was anaemic! You just can't win. Thank god for my supportive hubby who is my knight in shinning armour and was happy to tell people to stick it on my behalf! I've had arthritis as a kid, endo, degenerative discs in my back and now Bob. I've heard all the crap over the years, all I have to say to them in "Bite Me"!!! LOL

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  4. there really is no winning. as it stands right my my diagnosiees (spelling?) is just endo, bi-cornuate uterus (either from endo or birth. same doctor has said BOTH things and dennyed the other when his story changed)

    suspected IC (the bladder issue). will see a doc about that augest 31st.... only been having extream issues for a year and a half with no one caring.

    and yeah no winning. i ranted in my jounral why i dont want a hysto. even tho i dont want kids, i am just so fearfull of what issues it might then mean for me.

    i do not have bob, i just like finding other random blogs about people with chronic illness so i feel less alone, and when their funny and great. YAY! (that and i think i got the link to yours "living with bob" perhaps on the "butyoudontlook sick forms on facebook, or another form on facebook.

    my brain has also taken off on me, been missing foe nearly half a vear,though it did stop by to say a mini hello a couple months back when i got off demerol (living hell in pain, landed in the er with multiple dilauded shots to even touch the pain, though it came back all to quick, left the hospital in horible pain because i had given up for hope, and just wanted to be in my own comfy bed, that and my SO was asleep in the chair next to me and we still had an hour drive home so wanted him in bed also)

    but now, with demerol, tramadol, pain and exaustion it often feels likei will never have my brain back.

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All who are lovely enough to comment should be showered with cup cakes, glitter and macarons. I promise to use my spoon bending mind powers to try and get that happening for all who are lovely enough to share their words. Those who go the extra step to share posts should really get a free unicorn. Or at least the gift of finding the shortest and quickest line at the supermarket on a regular basis. xx